Clueless
by EatTheMoon
Summary: Shoker.  An arrogant, ornery bastard and his dense but stubborn CO stuck in this emotional tornado they can't escape.  They have to struggle with themselves if they dare to hope...
1. Airlocked PROLOGUE

**Disclaimer: Bioware owns Joker, and I don't. **** Unfortunately.**

**Prologue**

This was probably the worst night of his life. His hands covered his face in frustration and exhaustion. Under his watch, the crew had been taken by the Collectors... on top of that, when Shepard approached him to see if he was alright, he snapped at her! He apologized afterwards of course, but the look on her face was…

"AH! Godammit!" Frustration was overcoming him.

On days like this, space looked empty, boring… cold. Space meant nothing to him on days like this. It reminded him of the two years after…

A shudder escaped him as memories poured into his head.

He knew the crew was missing and he knew the Collectors would pay, Shepard would make them pay and that made him feel better. But there was a growing feeling at the pit of his stomach, one that had been bothering him for a while ever since he saw that face as she walked away from him… it was the same face she had when she came back from Horizon, somber, pained...

He heard steps approaching the cockpit, light and heeled…

"Hey Miranda what's goin' on?" He asked, without looking back, discarding his thoughts.

"How long before we reach the relay?" She asked, looking forward.

"Still a few hours to go. Why?"

"So I can report to Shepard. She asked if I could come, said you were upset so she didn't want to bother you." She replied curtly.

_So she sends you to bother me instead? Great!_ "Why couldn't she come herself?" He asked as his chair turned to face her, annoyance rang clear in his tone.

"Do I look like a mind reader to you Joker?" She snapped in her accented voice. "I don't know… I'm just doing my job, now if you'll excuse me." Nodding, she turned and walked away.

"Bitch." He mumbled under his breath.

He went back to his panels and his thoughts, furious with himself. When she died, he realized what he had lost, he knew that. He lost his commander, and a good friend, and it pained him to lose her. But he had lost people before, so what made her so special? Those two years she had been gone were hell for him… her death haunted his dreams. Why?

He sighed exasperatingly, removing his hat to scratch his head and then put it back on.

Random memories of his journey after Saren with Shepard and the old crew seemed to cheer him up some. The times she came by the bridge, just wanting to talk, he would snap at her as well, but it didn't bother him then, so why now? Was he treating her nicer because he felt guilty about her death? No. Shepard would have laid her life down to protect any one of them, that was for sure… it could have been anybody on that bridge.

Then why in the hell couldn't he get that face out of his mind! Why the fuck would he care how she was feeling because of him!

"GAH! THIS is why I prefer ships rather than people!" His hands fell to his side in a flustered movement. "Ships can't talk, laugh, cry, or get angry!"

"Jeff." EDI spoke up.

"Of course **I** get the one with a **mouth**! Just my luck!" He whined. "What is it EDI?"

"If something is bothering you, I suggest talking it over with someone." The blue orb lit up as the monotone voice spoke to him.

"EDI, the one thing I don't need right now is advice from an AI pretending to be my mother. I'll be fine, I just- time, gimme some time, alright?"

The panels in front of him suddenly shut down.

"What the hell! EDI, come on! This is ridiculous…" he crossed his arms and pouted.

"Logging you out." The orb disappeared.

He growled angrily as he stood up. "You stupid AI! I swear! If I didn't know any better, I would overload you back to whatever hell you came from!"

EDI did not respond. Luckily, the CIC was empty, otherwise, that would have been very embarrassing… he looked around. He would have much rather been embarrassed…

He sighed. "Sorry EDI. I didn't- I mean… aw hell! Just, don't crash the ship while I'm gone, alright?"

"Affirmative."

His feet unwillingly dragged the insecure helmsman to the elevator…

The holographic picture on her desk stared at her as she typed her last mission reports to Miranda. Legion had been functioning successfully after the last mission. It was at peace with the fact that the heretics had now been "repurposed", and had renewed its determination to help Shepard on her final mission.

She tried to ignore Kaidan's knowing stare… his serious gaze meeting hers. Her brow furrowed, remembering their words on Horizon… and then that message! The nerve!

"'Maybe', he says. Maybe!" She seethed, feeling her anger rising.

In a swift movement, she grabbed the picture and stood up to walk toward the door. Talk about bad timing…

The door opened, revealing a stunned, speechless Jeff Moreau.

"Joker! What are you doing here? " The hand with the picture was held up, aiming for the trash can beside the door. She noticed him staring at it and her arm lowered. _Awkward…_ "I thought…"

His confused face turned into a scowl. _God EDI, I hate you… _"I should just go then." He said irritably, turning his back to her. Could this situation get any worse?

She frowned. "You haven't answered my question, what are you doing here? I thought you said you needed some time."

He stopped and turned around again while scratching the back of his neck. He did owe her that much…

"I… wanted to apologize again for the way I acted. I didn't mean to snap at you like that and I didn't mean what I said, none of it." He explained.

"Oh… it's fine, don't worry about it." She shrugged it off. "I don't blame you."

"Yeah but-"

"It's fine… Joker, you can relax. I'll get the crew back."

"But-"

"But what?"

"But you looked so…" _heartbroken? Miserable? Completely defeated?_ "Never mind." He finished.

Her eyes softened, and she laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Look, I know how you feel, but right now I need everyone at their best. This isn't going to be easy and I'm counting on you most of all to keep us all alive. The only thing I can do right now I promise you, that I WILL bring back the crew, even if it kills me…" He looked up at her, and as if she had read his mind, she rolled her eyes. "Again."

He sighed. _This is so not going the way I planned… who am I kidding! I hadn't planned anything in the first place!_

"Alright, Shepard… I-" He looked down at her hand, a hint of aggravation had hit a nerve in his head. "Why are you holding a picture of Alenko?"

She removed her hand from his shoulder and gasped. "Oh this… I was going to throw it out. Figured it was time to move on, you know? It has been two years after all… and it was probably not going anywhere. It was nice while it lasted, but, people change. Kaidan changed, and after all this crap… so did I." She finished with a weak smile and a shrug.

He raised an eyebrow. Throwing the picture in the garbage seemed too subtle for what that prick had said to her on Horizon, it seemed too… nice. That picture deserved a much, much harsher fate.

"Y'know what? I have a better idea." He said, an evil smirk on his lips.

The switch flipped with a click and the neon lights came on almost instantly, uncovering the cargo bay where the shuttle was kept. Silence reigned over the room, their relatively thundering steps interrupting the peace.

Joker was leading the way in, Shepard coming behind him holding the picture in one hand. His evil smirk had grown into a full-blown grin, thinking about what he had in store for that dick Kaidan Alenko. Symbolically, of course…

"I still can't believe you talked me into this." Shepard said between chuckles.

"Hey you're the one who said she wanted that picture gone, so if there's anyone at fault here, it's you." He said, pointing a finger at her.

He walked over to a small air-locked trash chute, opening up the hatch. The chute was empty, but it sure as hell didn't smell empty. The smell of burnt trash made his nose wrinkle as his head yanked back.

"Holy shit!" He exclaimed.

"Yeah, you got that right." Shepard said from behind him, covering her nose with a small smile.

"Says the one who's staying _behind_ me."

"Again, you got _that_ right."

"That's really unfair, I'm the cripple here." He pointed to himself and glared at her, then offered his hand to her. "Come on, time to put Kaidan to rest where he belongs."

She took his hand and stepped closer. Was she… giggling? No way. His eyes scanned her face as the sound left him stupefied. Her green eyes had lit up in a way he had never seen before and suddenly, he felt… flushed. Their hands were still touching…

"Alright, let's do this!" She said, delighted as she put the holograph in the chute and closed the hatch.

There were two red buttons next to the hatch. One read "INCINERATE" and the other "EJECT". She let go of his hand to press the second button, hesitating to look at the picture one last time through the glass. She thought that it would have been harder to let go… a lot harder. The picture in her mind of this moment was a lot different than what was actually happening. In her mind, it was painful, there were tears, there times when she wished she could hear his voice… especially at night.

Instead, she was filled with glee, content with the person she had become, pleased with the companions her mission had brought together and with her best friend no less! She couldn't think of a better place to be.

Shepard smiled, Joker noticed. "Bye Kaidan!"

Her hand pressed down and just like that, the picture was gone. She imagined it floating in deep space and suddenly, she frowned.

Turning back to smirking Joker, she sounded deeply concerned. "You think there's any chance someone might…"

As if he read her mind, he raised an eyebrow. "Naw." They both said in unison.

A few seconds of comfortable silence ensued as they lingered in their respective reflections, Joker being the first to break the silence.

"Well… I should head back before EDI decides she doesn't like humans anymore." He said.

She nodded in agreement sharply. "I'm counting on you to help me kick some Collector ass."

"Aye aye ma'am." He saluted and turned to hobble away.

"And Joker?"

"Yes Commander?"

"Thanks."

"Alright. See ya Commander." He said as he hobbled away, leaving her to her thoughts in the cargo bay.

The elevator ride back to the CIC was… interesting. Feeling his frustration had melted away, he now had this renewed vigor to get out there and just, do what he did best: fly. As he sat slowly back on his leather chair, he sighed, in a hell of a better mood. Shepard seemed so content, so blissful, and that made him happy. He grinned.

An imaginary record scratched in his head as his body stiffened.

_Holy shit on a stick! I'm in love with her! _


	2. Run to you

**Quick A/N: This one starts off at the middle of the suicide mission, from Joker's POV, just because I've always wondered what happened in the meantime when everyone is on missions and stuff. :P **

**Disclaimer: Bioware owns all. Although I do not think this is necessary considering the website IS FAN …**

"_Joker! Come in Joker!"_ Shepard's urgent tone caught his attention through his earpiece. His body stiffened, not that he wasn't already on edge…

"Aye ma'am!"

_"Did everyone make it on board?" _

"Yes Commander, Jacob just got here with the rest of the crew. Thankfully, no casualties." He replied, making a quick mental head count.

_"Alright good job, ground team out." _

He turned his seat around and stood up with relative ease as he hobbled over to the middle of the crowded CIC. The whole crew was there, unharmed, but shaken to say the least. Kelly Chambers was the first to notice him and she stood up, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Joker, you're alright! Thank heavens, you made it!" She hugged him eagerly as she let a few tears slide down her cheeks.

He smiled and hugged her back, being genuinely glad to see her alive, then he looked over her shoulder to Dr. Chakwas.

"We were all worried about you when the Collectors came…" the elder woman stated. The dark circles under her eyes were evident signs of a traumatic experience, but nevertheless, a small smile came to her at the sight of him.

Similar relieved comments came from the rest of the crew, including Ken, Gabby and even Rupert, who he always thought had it in for him.

Jacob Taylor was the first to speak through the small crowd, interrupting the reunion.

"Alright people, I know we've been through a lot, but we're not out of the furnace yet. Those who need medical attention proceed down to med bay for first aid only, otherwise, to your stations. Commander Shepard is still in there and she needs us!"

"Aye aye sir!" The crew shouted unanimously, including Joker.

Jacob was expecting at least a few of the ones who were limping to retreat to med bay. To his surprise, no one did. The crew almost immediately scattered to their stations, almost glowing with newfound determination.

"EDI! Integrity status report!" Joker demanded urgently as he took out a small fire extinguisher to put out minor fires around the CIC.

"Exterior hull damaged near lower engineering but breach is contained. Several fires around drive core due to overload. Running system diagnostics..." the monotone voice replied.

He finished putting out a minor fire on the bridge when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Jacob was holding out his other hand.

"I'll put out the fire, you concentrate on repairing that drive core." The dark-skinned man said.

"Fine." He handed over the fire extinguisher and started almost running back to his station.

His fingers moved quickly across the panels as he brought up a full holographic schematic of the Normandy's drive core, attempting to get a full grasp on the situation.

"Diagnostics complete." EDI rang in.

"You sure love to take your damn time don't you!" The adrenaline was pumping through his veins.

Sweat drops were starting to show on his forehead and his scalp was beginning to boil inside his hat. EDI had uploaded a full diagnostics report on one of his screens to guide him. But then familiar memories started flooding his brain…

"_Commander Shepard!"_

_The blinding explosion knocked him into the small pod as he lost his balance and fell on his wrist with a crack. "Ahh! Fuck!" Grunting and ignoring the pain, he gathered enough strength to stand and watch as the commander's small body struggled with her suit. Something was wrong…_

"_SHEPARD!" Desperately, he banged on the glass with his good hand. No, this couldn't be it!_

_She had defeated Sovereign, she was the savior of the Citadel, she had sacrificed part of the fleet to save the Council! Vera Shepard could NOT meet her end like this!_

_Suddenly, she stopped struggling…_

_His eyes were wide and he felt his heart stop as his lungs took a sharp intake._

_A lifeless Shepard ignited toward the atmosphere… _

_It was on that horrible day that Jeff "Joker" Moreau realized Commander Shepard was not just Commander Shepard… she was human._

He shook off the thoughts in his head, concentrating on the repairs. He had failed to notice his hands were now moving furiously across the panels, detecting software malfunctions and repairing.

The sound of heavy gunfire on his earpiece suddenly caught his attention. He froze.

_"AHH! FUCK SHEPARD! SHOOT THE DAMN TUBES!"_ He could hear Jack in the background.

He could hear heavy weapon fire repeatedly, followed by a small feminine grunt.

"_Shoot the tubes, I'll cover you!"_ Garrus' faint voice...

Radio static, garbling… Jack's yelling. Silence. Jeff felt his heart stop.

_"Holy shit, it's back up again!" _Jack again yelling.

_"Cover me while I blow this thing!"_ Shepard's voice. His breathing resumed.

He finished his repairs in record timing, even by his standards. Jacob soon informed him that the fires were out and the drive core looked stable.

"EDI, run diagnostics on the drive core again." Joker was taking every precaution.

"Running… drive core stable and functional, Mr. Moreau."

"That's what I love to hear!"

"The Illusive Man wishes to speak to the commander." EDI announced in his earpiece.

"Patch it through." Joker then pressed a button on one of his panels and the Illusive Man's voice could be heard through the ship. "This should be good…" he said, while starting up the Normandy once again.

The crew dropped their duties, listening intently to the Illusive Man's offer to Shepard. Keep the Reaper base intact…? How the hell could he even propose that! For the good of mankind? That was bullshit! Kelly looked repulsed and angry, especially considering she had been in one of those horrible pods. What she had seen… what she had suffered… what good could come from that!

And without a moment's hesitation, Shepard's voice rang clearly through the ship. There was no way in hell she was going to leave this station intact! No way in hell she was going to let Reaper technology fall into the wrong hands, no way in hell she would compromise the galaxy!

He smirked, THAT was his Shepard. His Shepard, his smirk grew wider… The crew whole crew cheered in an uproar as she cut off the Illusive Man mid-sentence.

_"Ground team to Normandy, we need pick up! Is the Normandy operational?"_ Miranda sounded calm and collected as usual.

"Yes ma'am. On my way now. ETA: two minutes."

_"Make it less."_ She said, rapid gunfire in the background.

He made a mocking face, "make it less, nag, nag, nag… you want to do my job for me, be my guest!"

_"I heard that, you know?"_

"I take it back." He said apologetically, while air quoting.

Heavy fire was heard in the background, and the grind of the Collector particle beam cut through it and Joker was already on his way, maneuvering the ship through the gigantic base.

_" Miranda, are you alright?" _Samara asked next to her.

_"I'm fine, keep running!" _The woman replied.

_"Structure won't hold much longer!"_ Mordin exclaimed.

He cursed under his breath. "EDI, take over! I'm going to the armory!" Joker cried out.

"Understood."

He hobbled quickly over to the armory, picking up a burst shot assault rifle. Pleased with his choice, he got back just in time to watch the airlock open while Miranda and the rest of the ground team fought off the Collectors. He saw her limping with Grunt by her side, Mordin was providing cover along with Thane while Samara used her biotics to throw three collectors over the edge of the black platform. Tali was the closest as she jumped into the Normandy, shooting a scion to pieces in the process… blue gunk staining her mask. Once Tali was inside, she helped Joker provide cover for the rest of the crew. Miranda and Grunt were next…

"EDI get us closer!" Joker yelled. The ship slowly moved closer to the edge allowing Miranda to be at arm's reach.

Both Joker and Tali helped pull her inside as she cried out in pain. The blood stain on her leg was getting larger…

"Get her to med bay, I'll handle this." Joker said, turning to Tali.

She nodded in agreement and then Joker turned to Grunt, who jumped into the Normandy with a clumsy roll. Joker smirked as he ejected his clip and replaced it. The others followed shortly, ending with Samara, who made one last biotic blast to clear the platform and then collapsed on the deck.

Suddenly, panic struck over him. _Shepard… _

"Thane! Where's Shepard?" He asked desperately.

The drell panted as he wiped blood off of his mouth. "We got separated and she went on ahead with Jack and Garrus… she went to the main chamber…"

His eyes opened widely and he found himself flying back to his seat, rifle in hand. The Normandy was on the move once again.

"Do you copy! Commander! Come on Shepard don't leave me hanging, do you copy!" Distress rang clearly in his tone, his hands were shaking.

"_I'm here Joker… did the ground team make it?"_ Her voice had never sounded so sweet. _Oh thank God… _

"All survivors on board, we're just waiting for you." He replied.

He could hear a light humming… seeker swarms. The Normandy accelerated as he ground his teeth. Her panting was the only thing that kept him from going over the edge. She was breathing, she was running… running back to him.

"EDI!" He stood up, ignoring the strain on his bones.

"Affirmative."

The ship sharply rose to the platforms above them and the airlock opened once again revealing Jack and Garrus running toward the Normandy in a barrage of fire. Providing cover fire, he managed to pick up the couple running towards him. Shepard was still behind…

_Come on, come on, come on you can do this!_

A large chunk of platform suddenly collapsed, knocking down the platform closest to the ship… the distance was suddenly greatly increased… she would have to leap across the void. A wave of panic suddenly struck him, she wasn't going to make it! His memories returned…

"You're not doing this to me again Shepard!" He yelled, shooting furiously at the Collectors behind her.

She was close enough to the ledge now, he could see her eyes… fear? She leaped, reaching out to him and everything seemed to slow down. Something grazed her arm past her shields. She grunted, but kept her gaze on him, only on him. Next thing he knew, she was hanging on the deck, Garrus quickly reaching out to help her up. His mind traveled back to himself and the airlock closed.

He made his way to his station as spoke up.

"Detonation in 10, 9, 8-"

_Annoying!_ "Yeah I get the gist of it EDI! Hold on!"


	3. Early morning ignorance

**4 reviews in one day :3 Oh my… (is flattered) they keep my muse happy, so keep writing them guys! **

**This chappy introduces more of the storyline, and Shoker goodness ^^, no lemon just yet… **

**Disclaimer: Bioware rocks my socks, and so does Harbinger.**

_Screaming, she felt his yellow eyes searing her skin, planting fear in the depths of her soul. The brown skin on her shaking hands, blistering and breaking as a bright golden light emanated from the cracks. She was screaming so loud, could no one hear! _

_ It was too much to bear… the pain was too much to bear. Every bone in her body was burning while she shook her head violently, looking for release. Her screaming turned hoarse as she collapsed to the ground from the pain. _

_ "You have only delayed the inevitable…"_

_ Glowing yellow eyes replaced her green… the screaming stopped._

Soaked in sweat, Vera Shepard opened her eyes softly. It had been a dream. The blue light from the fish tank emanated in a soothing way as it lit up the room and she sighed, sitting up on her bed. She rubbed her temple as she pulled the sheets away gruffly with her other hand, her sleepwear being nothing but shorts and a strappy undershirt.

"Great." She mumbled to herself, looking at the time, 0400 AM. Too early…

Finally putting her feet on the floor, she stood up groggily and ran her fingers through her short brown hair. She was definitely not an early morning person, not even through all her military career. Even so, she couldn't afford the luxury of sleep once she woke up.

Out of habit, she climbed the stairs to her office and pressed the button on the fish tank to feed the fish, greeted her hamster Whiskey, checked for his food and then proceeded to enter the bathroom.

Once there, the mirror didn't do her any favors… of that she was sure.

Her eyes were puffy and her disheveled hair made her look either extremely hung-over or like one of those Earth bums she used to beat up. She stared at her reflection for a moment, her green eyes scanning her freckles on brown skin and the dark circles underneath them. Her left arm had a bandage wrapped around it and she took it off, pending the shower. The wound was clean and healing well, but it was going to leave yet another scar. _Perks of the job… _she thought sarcastically.

The shower however was a different story! As the warm water hit her skin, she felt rejuvenated. It ran its course through her body, hugging every tight muscle, every inch of her skin… she sighed in relief, feeling her aching muscles unwind.

Stepping out of the shower, she decided against stepping out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her. Mainly because of the one time Chambers decided to "drop in" to tell her that Grunt was about to break some windows if Shepard didn't go to him and caught her by surprise. She had been stunned.

Shepard's lips formed into a tooth-pasted, foamy grin, remembering what Joker had said about it when he heard.

"_Next time, Chambers, please let me know!" What an ass…_ she spit.

So when she came out of the bathroom, she was fully clothed in her brown civvies and ready for duty. She refused to wear anything that came from Cerberus anymore.

She stepped out of her room and called the elevator. They had been en route to Ilium, to enlist Liara T'Soni's help once again. They needed as much information as possible if they were going up against Cerberus and the Reapers as well and, if anything, she knew that at least Liara would be glad to see them. She was guessing they still had a ways to go… the journey back from the Omega-4 relay had been anything but easy.

The elevator arrived as only one thought invaded her mind: coffee. Mess hall, right now… she pressed the button. The elevator moved pretty quickly, she was thankful for that, but then it stopped in the CIC floor. She waited impatiently… half expecting Kelly to jump out and scare the crap out of her.

"Commander?" He asked groggily, with a confused expression. His hat was crooked and his eyes were puffy as he raised an eyebrow.

Vera stared and blinked, then started chuckling. "Fall asleep in the cockpit again Joker?"

"Really? Whatever gave you that idea?" He rolled his eyes and stepped in the elevator with her.

A half smirk formed in his face. She had laughed, even if it was at his expense.

"Oh lighten up Joker." She said.

"Never before coffee… or sex! Or both, y'know whichever is good."

"So true…" she agreed.

The elevator reached their destination, and just like she had predicted, it was empty.

"Well, want me to make you some coffee? " She asked as she walked ahead of him.

"Uh… what?" He wasn't sure he heard right…

Commander Shepard, making coffee for him? He shook his head. She's _human… _

"You aren't scared are you? Come on, take a seat." She signaled to one of the seats in the booth and then kept walking towards the kitchen.

His eyes followed her walk, starting from her feet, to her calves, up to her… he cleared his throat. "Scared? Why would I be scared?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Hell I don't know. Men naturally assume that just because I'm 'Commander Shepard', that's the only life I know… they don't care enough to find out who I really am I guess. I mean, I did live eighteen years of my life in the streets. That has to count for something, right?" She turned to look at him, coffee can in hand.

He was sitting there, hands cupping his face, elbows resting on the table. His face was scrunched up and his eyes were closed. A smile crept on her face, he looked cute asleep.

"I'm sorry you said something?" He "woke up" and was suddenly listening very intently.

She raised an eyebrow. "Now you make your own damn coffee." _Asshole._

"Oh hey! Come on I was just dicking around! Don't get mad!" He stood up, flailing his hands, hobbling over to her.

Shepard was measuring coffee for herself in the coffee maker. "Nope. And that's too bad 'cause I make a mean cup of coffee!" She said, smirking to herself.

"I was just messing around! I mean, you know me commander, come on! Hey…" He reached out to grab her arm and turn her around gently to face him. "Most guys don't deserve the chance to even talk to you… let alone get to know you." He looked into her eyes with a very genuine smile.

She smiled back, feeling flattered and completely oblivious of his thoughts. "Thanks Joker. Never thought you'd be one to say something like that. I… _guess_ that earns you some coffee." He let go of her arm and she turned around once again.

Snapping back to reality, his eyes widened. He had been that close to closing the distance between them… all he had to do was lean in and kiss her.

His mind wandered…

"_Vera you have no idea how lost I've been without you… when I saw you die, I realized you're so much more to me than my commander… you're-"_

_A finger interrupted him mid-sentence as she closed the distance between their lips softly, her hands slowly rising to wrap around his neck. She pulled him closer, wanting to feel his body against hers as his hands came around her waist to pull her in a tight embrace. She pulled her head back, then leaned into his earlobe, her hot breath against his neck as she spoke._

"_I love you too..."_

He swore he could hear the sound of his own heartbeat as the blood pumped furiously into his face. It turned a pinkish shade, but he could swear it felt like scarlet red. Luckily, her back was still turned, and it had only been a few seconds but he quickly retreated back into the booth before she noticed the slight slip up. _Me? A romantic? Go figure…_

"Mmm! My God this smells so AWESOME!" She exclaimed gleefully, as the coffee maker started.

Shepard then proceeded to make her way to the booth, sitting across from a recovering Joker. She examined him before speaking.

"You ok there?" She asked.

"Yeah I'm fine, I'm just… sleepy." _Riiight…_

She yawned. "I know man, this is horrible… once we get to Ilium I promise I'll give you and the crew some shore leave. I know you guys need the rest…"

"Well what about you commander?"

She scoffed, raising an eyebrow. "What _about_ me?"

"Don't you think you could use some shore leave too?"

"No, I… I don't think I can take shore leave, at least, not right now." She replied, looking back toward the coffee maker.

"When if not now?" He asked bluntly. "After you're done fighting Cerberus, after you're done fighting the Reapers? What if you die again? I don't think the Illusive Man is going to be happy to bring you back this time. I don't think…" his voice faded into a small whisper. "I could stand it again." He looked up at her to see if he heard that last part, she hadn't… he frowned.

She could see he was upset, and her look softened. The great Jeff "Joker" Moreau, badass helmsman of the Alliance was worried about her. So he did have a heart. She figured she could put his mind at ease, and at least try to have some fun… it would distract her from the nightmares.

"Well… if it bothers you so much, then you should take me out for a drink." She finally replied.

_What the-! _"Really?" He asked incredulously.

"Sure why not! I'll buy you a dance too!" She flashed a smile.

He groaned and his head hit the table with a thud.

She frowned. "What?"


	4. Mission briefing

**A/N: Third installment. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Bioware owns MY calibrations! ;)**

After their conversation that morning, the crew had started to wake up to the smell of the coffee maker. There was some left, but Rupert had first dibs as he was the first to reach the kitchen. He was delighted, but had no clue as to who made it because by then, half the crew was already awake and in mess hall. Shepard made a face at Joker as he was about to give her away, so he shut up when he was asked.

"Iunno." He said, shrugging and turning back to his cup.

The crew looked tired and worn, but relieved. They were all infinitely thankful to her but also, infinitely loyal. However, there was still work to be done and words to be said… their families were in danger from Cerberus now, and if there was something they knew about the Illusive Man is that he would spare no quarter to get what he wanted. He wanted his investment back.

Shepard waited until it was breakfast and everyone was in the mess before she stood on a chair and the chatter immediately went silent.

"I don't need to tell you the consequences of my actions, because you already know. You signed up for this mission, being fully aware of the risks you had to take. You knew it was possible to lose your lives and your companions… but I'm certain no one here considered the possibility that your own employer would now be your biggest threat." She cleared her throat, insecure about her next words. "I know it's too much to ask to serve with me one more time against the forces that threaten us. I know it's overwhelming and I won't keep you here against your will, so if anyone here wants out, just say so, I will understand. I promise you right now you will not be judged in any way."

Silence reigned. She scanned the room, searching for reactions. Rupert broke the silence.

"Hell you're stuck with us Shepard so you might as well face it." He said with a smirk then saluted. "Mess Sergeant Rupert Gardner, ready for duty Commander!"

Soon after, Gabby stood up and saluted as well. "Engineer Gabrielle Daniels, ready for duty Commander!"

And little by little, the whole crew fell in, announcing their ranks and names, stating they were ready for duty. Shepard felt a knot in her throat at the sight, tears threatening to fall in front of her crew, but they didn't.

After a moment of silence, Joker was the last to stand and salute.

"Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, ready for duty Commander Shepard!" He smiled at her in a way that Miranda knew very well, even from her far viewpoint in front of med bay.

She shifted her weight to her good leg and laid her body against the door, looking at him intently. The look in his eyes, the smile on his lips… and she had never been one for the supernatural, but she could swear she saw some sort of aura around him…

_Well, well, well… what do you know? _Her head then turned to Shepard, who was preparing to continue her speech.

"Well, if there are no objections… let's continue to the debriefing. We will be docking in Ilium in a few hours. As soon as we get there, you will all have a 72-hour shore leave to get your affairs in order and your families to safety. If any one of you needs assistance with this task please let Officer Lawson know. I'm putting her in charge of this because I know she knows you better than I do and I know she's more than capable of this and more." Shepard turned to Miranda and the woman nodded.

"Of course Commander."

"Tali, you, Mordin and Legion will be tasked to supervise the ship repairs on Ilium. Tali, you and Mordin will make sure they don't touch anything they're not supposed to, and Legion, protect EDI at all costs. Try not to kill each other in the process though."

Tali turned to look at Legion and frowned under her mask, but nodded nonetheless. "Alright Shepard." She said.

Legion ignored her. "Yes Shepard-Commander."

"Jacob, you will take Grunt, Samara and Thane. The four of you will be charged with security detail. There are many eyes on us out there and I need you to make sure the ship and the crew are safe. Thane, Samara, you are going to be my eyes and ears out there. You will be reporting any irregularities to Jacob."

Jacob saluted. "Yes ma'am."

Grunt thumped his fists together in excitement and Thane nodded.

"Garrus, Jack, you're going groundside with me." She pointed at the turian.

He chuckled throatily and looked at the tattooed biotic next to him. "So much for shore leave."

Jack scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Tell me about it."

"Hey I heard that!" Shepard exclaimed.

"Alright Shepard, ready when you are." He said smoothly.

"Alright people, the rest of you are dismissed! Once we get to Ilium, if you have time, I suggest you try as best you can to enjoy yourselves at least. You sure as hell earned it." They cheered as she climbed off the chair and started walking toward the elevator. The crew soon started dispersing.

Joker was in the way and she stopped to talk to him, her demeanor softening and loosening up. The commander role fit her perfectly. She was an amazing leader, but she felt she didn't need to be 'Commander Shepard' around Joker anymore, and he was perfectly comfortable with that.

He waited for her to reach him before they started walking to the elevator together, smiling and talking about something unintelligible, at least from Miranda's point of view. She still stood near med bay with a small smirk on her face, watching as they walked away.

She must have looked more distracted than she thought… "Miranda? You alright?" Jacob stood next to her.

"Oh. Yes I'm fine, I was just…" she shook her head. "Surprised."

He lifted an eyebrow in disbelief. "Surprised? About what?"

"Oh I doubt you want to know. Come on, we have work to do." She backslapped his chest softly and started walking away, with an ever so slight limp. He held back the laughter at the sight.

"20 minutes to Ilium Commander." Joker announced to the woman standing next to him.

"Good, I'm gonna go suit up." She said, patting his shoulder. "…shore party, report to CIC." He heard her say into her earpiece before her voice faded down the hall.

He couldn't believe it. Shepard was still trying to save the world, even when she, out of all people, had earned her downtime. That would never change, he knew that, but it didn't change the fact that he could tell she was worn from the struggling. He'd be there for her when she needed him, that was for sure, but he still felt useless to her. All he could do was… this. Staring at his hands, his head was swimming in his thoughts as Ilium came into plain sight.

"Ilium traffic control, this is Normandy requesting permission to land." He spoke into his earpiece.

"Stand by, Normandy." A male voice responded. "Permission granted. Proceed to dock 24."

The thud of the Normandy docking on Ilium was followed by the slow stop of the whir of the engines. The usual shore party composed of Garrus, Jack and Shepard was already standing at the airlock, ready to exit.

Relieved to be on land, Joker turned his chair to see Shepard staring intently at the airlock, then turning her head to look at her shore party.

"How 'bout we tear up Eternity when we're done here tonight?" She asked them.

"Hell yes!" Jack exclaimed. "I could use a drink or twenty!"

"It would be nice to sit back and relax for a bit. Hell I think the whole team could use a break." Garrus added.

"Good idea. I'll let them know later." She then turned to Joker. "How 'bout you Joker, you coming?"

"Sure. You still _do_ owe me a dance." Joker said, sneering evilly.

"The commander? Dancing? _Impressive_." Garrus said from behind her.

"Yeah Shepard, is there something about you we should know?" Jack crossed her arms.

"**What!**" She blushed furiously, but her face was hidden behind her partially open helmet.

They all laughed at her expense.

"Oh grow up people!" She then smirked, pointing at Joker menacingly. "You're lucky I like you or you'd be dead." The airlock opened and she stepped out, Jack and Garrus following quickly.

"Yeah, likewise! Don't act like I haven't saved your ass more times than you care to count!" He yelled after her.

She broke into a jog as soon as she stepped out, heading toward the market district, seemingly ignoring him. He turned his seat around to look out the window into the corridor she was on. He burst out laughing as Shepard ran by, sticking her middle finger to the ship, knowing he was watching.

He then spoke into his earpiece. "Oh yeah that's real mature Shepard, real mature."

**A/N: First "date" next chapter… ;) tee hee!**


	5. Missing Liara & Eternity

**A/N: Grr! For some reason, whenever I try to separate "scenes" with like, lines or whatever, they never appear on the site! It's annoying the heck out of me. Anyone else have that problem?**

**Anyway, this one ran a little long… enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Bioware owns all the awesomeness that is Mass Effect.**

Arriving on Ilium, Shepard quickly headed to Liara's office. She climbed the steps in a quick pace, eager to see an old friend, but when the door opened, the office was empty. Her eagerness turned to suspicion. She checked for signs of struggle, she found none.

"She must've left." Jack stated.

"She never said anything…" Shepard responded.

"Check her computer, maybe there's some clues there." Garrus suggested.

Shepard nodded as her infiltrator skills came handy. She sat down and decrypted Liara's computer, then headed straight for her message server.

Her effort proved unfruitful. "Nope. Nothing." She sighed.

"Maybe she finally went after the Shadow Broker." Jack said.

Vera's mood darkened. "She knows better than to go alone, Jack. She would have asked me for help…" _Or would she…?_

"Dr. T'soni has changed a lot since you died, Shepard. You might not know her as well as you think." Garrus said in an attempt to console her.

A few seconds went by in silence while Shepard considered what the turian was saying. It would imply that Liara didn't trust her anymore… but that was impossible! How could she not count on Shepard, after all they went through together? Two years couldn't have changed her that much… could they? She shook her head in disbelief… but what if?

"You may be right. But either way, we need to keep our eyes open for clues." She finally spoke.

They left the office soon after in a defeated mood. Liara was a good friend, and Shepard trusted her with her life. Maybe… maybe she just didn't feel the same way. However, the show must go on.

Soon after, she found herself in a warehouse, attempting to negotiate with a volus for the Normandy's repairs. The prices he offered were ridiculously high and he refused to give in to negotiation. She had been there for hours as they discussed going rates for workers, time, and the ship's damage, patiently explaining herself over and over. The warehouse was hot, and her armor didn't help… she fisted her hands as her patience wore thin. Soon losing her patience, she discovered that a heavily armed crack shot turian pointing a gun in his face and an extremely powerful, angry biotic were good company to keep during her negotiations.

She held her pistol to the volus' head at point blank; sweat covered her forehead. "Have we reached an agreement yet, Mr. Jitan?"

"I believe so." The volus inhaled.

"Good." She retreated. "I'll have the contract sent to you shortly and I expect you and your team to be ready first thing tomorrow."

They left the warehouse and she felt her tension ease a little as soon as she caught a breeze. Nighttime had already fallen upon Ilium, and she felt she had done little progress, but not much else could have been done without Liara's help and a busted ship.

"That could have gone better if you had just done that from the beginning, Shepard. Stupid little shit got on my nerves in the first twenty minutes…" Jack said, wiping the sweat from her brow.

Shepard chuckled, but said nothing in response.

"Well, I'm getting a head-start on Eternity. I could use a drink after that." Garrus said, holstering his pistol and gesturing his head to the warehouse.

"I hear that." Jack said.

"You guys go ahead… I'll catch up with you later. I need to shower. Badly." She felt she stank.

"Shepard you pussy, it wasn't that hot." Jack said, smirking.

"Says the one wearing leather straps for a "shirt"." Shepard retorted, air-quoting the word.

"True. No one's ever complained though." Jack shrugged.

"I bet." Garrus chimed in.

Shepard scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Just get out of here, both of you."

"Alright, we'll see you later." Jack said, waving.

He was early, maybe too early. The smell of alcohol on his breath hinted at his state of mind. Even Joker had to admit he was a little buzzed. There were only a few people at the bar, all non- human and no one from the Normandy. Figured they were busy… getting in touch with their friends and families… and stuff… yup. He gestured to the bartender with his hand. The asari matriarch came over as she noticed right away.

"Another beer?" She asked, a smirk creeping.

"Hell yes!" He had a stupid grin on his face.

She smiled and served him quickly. "You don't get out much do ya?" She asked, her gruff voice scaring the crap out of him. He'd never tell her that of course…

"Why? 'Cause I'm a cripple?" He asked, trying not to sound too rude and putting the glass to his lips.

He was the best pilot in the galaxy but maybe not the best fighter against an asari matriarch…

"No, 'cause you can't hold your alcohol. You look buzzed already!" She said.

"Oh…" he took one gulp out his glass and then put it down. "I'm a pilot. The best there is in this whole damn galaxy!" He said as a matter-of-factly. "And as a result of that…" he gave up trying and chuckled. "No, I don't get out much." He finished and put the glass to his lips again.

The bartender chortled and laid a hand on his shoulder. "No shame in that, flyboy. Next round is on the house." She winked as she removed her hand.

He almost choked on his beer. "Are you flirting with me, la-ma'am?"

Her eyes opened widely and she exploded in laughter. Joker was at first confused, then he understood. Boy he felt foolish.

"You're good people kid. I like you!" She finally said, her eyes tearing up. "Call me when you need a refill, flyboy." She walked away, still laughing.

A few moments later, he felt a slim hand on his shoulder. _Shepard?_ He turned his head around…

"Oh, it's you…" he said dismissively, going back to his drink.

"That's rude, you know?" Her silky, accented voice said before Miranda sat beside him.

A pang of guilt hit him. Even though she was sometimes a total bitch, she HAD brought back Shepard and she HAD let him fly the SR2... and she HAD loosened up since that fiasco with her sister. "Sorry." He said as he put the glass down. "I was just-"

"Expecting Shepard?" She interrupted him while calling over the bartender.

His brow furrowed and he stared at her knowing smirk. The bartender arrived.

"This your date hun?" She asked Joker.

"No!" Joker replied. "She's-!"

"He wishes." Miranda interrupted him again.

While he had to admit that at one point the idea had occurred to him… he glared at the raven.

"I'm taking back that apology now." He said, taking the last gulp of his beer.

Miranda disregarded the comment and ordered gin and tonic. The bartender quickly complied and retired.

"You've got a thing for her don't you?" Miranda turned to him, drink in hand.

An alarm went off in his head. _How the fuck…?_ "Well, if by 'thing' you mean I highly respect her as my commanding officer-"

"Bullshit." She raised an eyebrow while penetrating his eyes.

"Please stop doing that." He pleaded as he felt her predatory eyes upon him.

"Doing what?" She put her drink down and leaned closer slowly.

He swallowed, his heart rate quickened. "You… keep interrupting." Her hands soon found his legs for support as their faces were inches apart. _Ok, what the fuck is going on here!_ "Miranda… what the hell are you doing?" He asked, bewildered but not the least bit interested.

Miranda smiled and pulled back, going back to her drink, she downed it. "I knew it."

"What is WRONG with you? What? Lose too much blood when you got shot or something! GOD!" He covered his face with his hands.

"I just called your bluff." She said. He looked up at her menacingly. "You can relax, your secret's safe with me, Joker."

"Yeah, great, just… don't do that again." He called over the bartender again, feeling very much sober. "I'm so getting shitfaced after that…" he mumbled to himself.

As the night went on, the bar was starting to get crowded. The whole team had already gathered with the exception of Mordin, Legion, Thane and Samara… and Shepard. Garrus, Jack, Tali and Joker were all eager to get started and were talking about how Grunt should go on his first drinking binge as a coming of age ritual while Jacob and Miranda talked quietly amongst themselves in the chairs beside them.

"Hey Garrus, where's Shepard?" Tali asked.

"She'll be he-" something caught the tall turian's eye in the crowd. "Oh yeah she's here."

Joker was the first to turn his head in the direction he pointed. His mouth gaped open.

_Oh…_

Black stilettos accented tight leg muscles as she walked, her calves flexing with every step.

_My…_

A baby blue dress that went above her knees hugged every curvature of her body and her hips swayed. It had a high cleavage, but just enough to keep you guessing…

_God._

The smirk on her face as she approached them, her smoky green eyes, observing the world around them... The eyes following her across the room. The feeling that the world spun only around this moment…

"Hey Shepard! Over here!" Garrus waved his hand over.

She saw the tall turian over the small crowd and started making her way over.

"Yeah, I'm late. Sorry." She said when she reached them, then noticed Joker and smiled. "Yeah, I decided to be a girl tonight. Go ahead, laugh."

"No, no! Um, you look…" _breathtakingly beautiful!_ "great!"

"Well thanks Joker. To tell the truth I was kind of nervous about this…" she chuckled meekly. "Can you believe that? Being more intimidated by a dress than a suit of armor?"

"Well you will find that I for one am very intimidated, if that helps any. I keep wondering where you're hiding the gun…" he grinned.

She huffed, seemingly offended. "Asshole." She then noticed a half empty glass beside him. "What you drinking?" She asked.

"Oh, I don't know. Hey barkeep, what's this called?" He motioned the busy asari, then pointed to his drink.

"It's a mystery drink!" She yelled.

"There you go. It's a mystery!" He shrugged while making a silly face. "All's I know is: it's good!" He offered thumbs up.

"Shepard! You clean up good!" Grunt said as he came up behind her, Jack close behind.

"We were waiting for you. Grunt plans on getting wasted tonight for the first time and I wouldn't miss that for the world." Jack said.

Shepard laughed. "Well what are you waiting for?"

Seeing a drunk krogan had to have been the funniest thing in the world. They discovered that Grunt was very likeable when drunk as he flirted with asari strippers and was generally in a good mood. It took him at least two hours, binging on pure ryncol in order to stumble into a few batarians in the crowd, that's when they discovered Grunt was also an aggressive drunk.

Jack, Garrus and Tali had to restrain Grunt until Shepard came in a restored the peace. They then decided enough had been enough for him… the previous three volunteered to escort him back to the ship. They needed three people to carry him anyway…

As for Miranda and Jacob, they had been long gone… Joker was glad about that, at least. In the end, they were alone and the bar became even more crowded, so they decided to retreat and find a booth where they could hear each other talk at least. They sat next to each other, facing the floor as the table was slowly lined with empty glasses.

"Hey, could I have one more of these things…?" Shepard was extremely intoxicated as she spoke to the waitress and signaled to her empty glass.

"Mystery drink!" Joker added, he was just as intoxicated, if not more.

She pointed at him. "Yes! That! Thank you Joker!"

The waitress nodded and left to get their drinks.

"Hey Joker can I ask you something?" Shepard asked as the waitress left.

"Shure." He was grinning.

"Do you think I'm being unprofessional? Like, this whole going out and partying thing… I mean, I used to do it all the time back on Earth with the gang! Got caught for underage drinking a few times!" She laughed. "But now that I'm y'know, _Commander_ Shepard… Like, I feel a little guilty, y'know!"

"What are you talking about Shepard! I mean, why wouldn't you deserve to go out and party? You're only human, c'mon… no not even that, you're a… a what do you call it?" He snapped his fingers. "A sentient being! And unless you're a Reaper or something, all sentient beings need to blow off steam."

"Yeah… but I don't know, sometimes it's like, 'Oh my GOD I want to quit!', but I'm like, the only one who can do my job… y'know!" She flailed her hands in anger, then laid them down.

Joker suddenly started laughing. "You're so wasted… you've said the word 'like' like twenty times in one sentence!"

"You're one to talk!" She glared at him as the waitress approached. "Oh yay more drinks!" She exclaimed gleefully, it made him smile.

"You're so beautiful…" he said unconsciously.

"What?" She asked, drinks in hand.

"Nothin'" He lied, reaching for a drink from her hand to no avail.

"You said I'm beautiful."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"I liked it…"

Maybe it was the alcohol, but for a minute, he thought his brain hadn't registered that sentence right. His heart started racing as she put down the drinks and her face started getting closer. Was this really happening? He was paralyzed. With one sudden move, she closed the distance between their lips.

He figured he must have passed out and fallen asleep, this couldn't be real. So then, if it wasn't real… it couldn't hurt.

He returned her kiss forcefully, sliding his hand around her back and pulling her in desperately. She moaned in delight while wrapping her arms around his neck and then she slid her tongue inside his mouth, finding his. The feel of her tongue inside his mouth sent a chill down his spine and his body responded by slowly locking the flow of blood into his groin. As if by instinct, she slowly slid one hand down his torso, her fingers feeling his muscular abdomen. He twitched and groaned as she hit a weak spot and she chuckled throatily before releasing her lock on his lips.

"Let's get out of here…" Her face looked heavenly flushed as her eyes lusted for him.


	6. The CIC

**A/N: Sorry for the super long delay, college got in the way. This is my first real lemon ever. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to write with a straight face... any suggestions/rants are welcome. And thank you for all the reviews! You have all been so supportive :3 My heart goes out to you 3**

**Disclaimer: Bioware makes cool video games, I do not. Waah!**

Shepard swiftly bent her arm, reaching for her omni-tool as she stood up. She operated it with expert precision, even in her inebriated current state… she made an instant credit wire transfer to the establishment.

He stood up awkwardly, looking down. She gave him a knowing smirk through half closed eyes and offered her hand. Joker reflected on the sight as he took her hand… it seemed surreal. It was. He kept reminding himself that it wasn't real.

Thankfully, the CIC was dark and devoid of life, for a surprise would have startled anybody in the vicinity as a surprisingly vigorous Joker was pushing Shepard against the dock wall when the airlock opened. She moaned as he bit into her neck relentlessly, grabbing her shoulders and pulling down on the straps of her dress with one hand while the other crept up her hair; his fingers running through the soft bangs of brown hair.

"Oh… Jeff…" she swallowed, regaining some of her composure. "The… airlock is open."

Shepard tried wriggling free of his grip, but her efforts were frustrated as Joker pushed back once again and slammed her head and his hand gently into the wall with a kiss. It was as his the mention of his name drove him near insanity. She could feel his length pushing against her thigh as both his hands came up to her face, as if to devour her. He could feel her smile growing under his lips as she giggled and he broke away from her, groaning in frustration.

"The airlock, yes… damn it." He breathed huskily and took her hand as she led him inside.

She almost stormed into the CIC, fumbling and almost tripping because of her shoes in the process.

"Stupid! Shoes!" She whispered as she struggled to take them off in movement.

As she failed miserably, Joker took advantage and pulled her to him, spinning her, grabbing her waist and pressing her body tightly against his. She reacted with a delighted squeal and raised her arms to wrap them around his neck, accidentally pulling his hat back. He didn't even notice.

Shepard broke off with a throatily giggle. "You're full of surprises Mr. Moreau…"

He sneered and leaned into her neck, leaving a trail of kisses up to her ear. "You're underestimating me Shepard." He whispered, sending a tingle down her spine and heat between her thighs.

"Never." She shook her head and lowered her hands down to his chest, slowly pushing him back.

Her fingers traveled along his chest, tracing his surprisingly muscular figure. She eyed him hungrily, his arms, his shoulders, his neck, his stomach… everything so taut and firm, she never would have imagined it. Her hands kept traveling down as she slowly lead him toward the cockpit, distracting his mouth with hers. When she reached the hem of his shirt, she tugged on it, urging him to reveal what only she could guess at. He caught the hint and broke away from her, allowing her to pull his shirt off in one move, his hat flying off in the process.

She bit her lip at the sight of his bare torso. He looked better than she had imagined bare-chested and the colors of the lights of the CIC reflected on his smooth, pale skin. Her eyes consumed the sight as she pushed him gently onto the chair behind him and he let himself fall with a sly grin on his face.

"My turn." He caught her whisper in his ear before he fell.

She then proceeded to unzip the back of her dress while he watched with eager anticipation. The crackling noise of the zipper seemed to excite him and she smiled. Once the dress was unzipped, the straps on her arms slid down with ease. She had nothing underneath…

The top of her dress fell, revealing her silky brown skin, her tight stomach and gorgeous breasts. His "anticipation" grew and twitched at the sight and his hands lightly tensed on the seat handles. She then slid her thumbs into the bottom of the dress, pushing down as her hips swayed to loosen it. It slid down her long legs, leaving Shepard only in black lace boy-shorts. Joker's jaw almost dropped at the heavenly sight as her face rose and her half-lit eyes pierced his. Her weight shifted to the right as she put her hand on her hip, letting him take in her body.

"You're beautiful…" He was entranced.

She smirked and closed the distance seductively between them, mounted his lap and then leaned in his ear. "You said that…" she whispered before her teeth dug gently into his earlobe.

He inhaled sharply, his hands still on the handles. Her hips started grinding into his, exposing his groin to the heat of her sex, which was covered only with a light layer of lace. Sneakily, she lifted her hips and one of her hands slid down his chest while the other supported her weight on the back of the chair. She wrapped her fingers around his length over his pants, stroking and toying with it while her mouth lowered into his neck, licking, kissing and nibbling. His knuckles went white with a quivering groan.

She chuckled evilly into his ear and then retreated, looking predatorily into his eyes, her short bangs in her face.

"Pants. Off. Now." She commanded and dismounted.

He quietly and swiftly obeyed, getting up and removing his pants, underwear and his boots as she watched, half amused with her arms crossed under her breasts, accentuating them and her hardened nipples. His skin was bare now, his full erection twitching in front of her. She looked pleased as a Machiavellian smirk suddenly adorned her face. He couldn't help but feel proud of the effect this had on her, and modesty wasn't one of his traits, so he returned the gesture with an inviting grin as he sat back down.

She then bent down and kissed him, her tongue explored his mouth, her teeth bit on his lips. Her hand surprised him as she firmly grabbed his bare erection, stroking firmly, but slowly. Gently, she was making her way down his body, leaving a trail of kisses on his neck, his chest, his stomach and finally reaching his manhood. A very low moan escaped his throat as the wetness of her warm tongue touched his skin. With a firm grip, she licked from the bottom of his shaft all the way to the tip, tasting the saltiness of his pre cum. She changed angles swiftly every time her head sunk and kissed the tip every time her head rose. All the alcohol in his body could not stop him from feeling every touch and every change in temperature.

"My God…" he whimpered.

She sniggered throatily and then wrapped her lips around him, moaning as her free hand snuck down her underwear, her fingers freely stroking her sex. Her hand played with her clitoris as the warmth and humidity welcomed her eager fingers. It had been a long time and this only made her more sensitive.

Her head worked up and down, her mouth suctioning as it made its way up, and her hand stroking at the bottom. The combination was driving him insane as he tilted his head back. He felt himself hardening even more as he approached his peak with increasing speed. She could feel his length palpitating in her hand, pleasing her ego as her other hand stimulated her body. He suddenly looked down at her. Her shapely body bent, her muscular back glistening with sweat as she moaned and looked up at him. He imagined taking her, taking all of her… the thought ensnared his mind and he cried out. Then she stopped, just as he was about to reach his climax. Her body was in frenzy, she craved all of him, and the feeling was mutual.

She stood up, eyeing her prey seductively as she lifted herself, her thumbs now teasing at the hem of her boy-shorts. He raised his hands and helped her undo her last piece of clothing as he leaned in to kiss her stomach. She could feel herself blushing as her body reacted with a small jerk to the tickle of his whiskers.

The last piece of clothing fell at her feet and she kicked it away before slowly lowering herself down to the chair once again. They kissed as she wrapped her arms around him and sat on his lap, with his aching length between her legs. Her hips grinded against him, allowing him to taste the warmth of her inviting sex. Their bodies were so close, they could feel each other's heartbeat and the rising and falling of their chests. His mouth then traveled from her mouth, down to her neck as his hand went down from her hip to her thigh, lifting her hips and his other hand made its way around to her back, supporting her weight.

Gently, he pushed down on her thighs, lowering her onto him and she sighed in delight as he entered her. It had been such a long time…

She closed her eyes and took a moment to clear her head through the alcohol, concentrating only on this moment, taking everything in… her arms tightened around him, as if bracing herself. His hands had made their way to her buttocks, gripping them tightly as he gently began bouncing her on his lap. Her moans grew stronger and louder with each bounce and her hips had begun cooperating as well, making each thrust go deeper. She altered between grinding his pelvis, and letting gravity take over, her loud breathing accelerating with each passing minute.

"Oh… oh, oh Jeff!" She exclaimed, her fingers digging into his back.

His grip tightened with a grunt of effort as well, granting him more control as he realized she was lighter than he had thought. Either that or the adrenaline was kicking in… she had said his name…

He spun his chair with his elbow and faced the cockpit, lifting her body and sprawling her on the control desk. The holograms interrupted his view of her, so he hit a nearby switch and they shut down with a flash, even EDI's blue presence was eradicated from view, all that illuminated them was the dim lights coming from the dock window.

Her naked body was laid before him in all its glory and he lusted for it with animalistic instinct. He bent down and wrapped his mouth around one of her nipples, causing her to squeal in joy while still thrusting into her. His tongue circled her breasts playfully, altering between them and nibbling. He then retreated from her breasts and sneered evilly as his thrusts became more powerful. Shepard went from moaning to yelping in an instant as a loud slapping sound filled her ears. She could feel a wave of pleasure building rapidly and her legs wrapped around him, pulling him toward her. He grunted and felt his throbbing passion almost reach the limit as well.

"Oh! Keep going, I'm coming! Oh my- AHH!" Her body arched toward him and her toes curled as she contracted.

Her entire body trembled as her eyes rolled backwards, letting pleasure take over. At this sight, he could hold out no longer and released inside of her with one last, powerful thrust, feeling her contractions devour him. His muscles started twitching involuntarily as pleasure overcame his senses.

Panting, he put his hand on the flat surface where she laid and leaned in to kiss her, Vera returning his kiss softly with glee.

"Want to go again?" She asked, a wide grin on her face.


	7. Afterthoughts

**A/N: I wanted this chapter to be mostly reflective and it ran a little long but I hope you like it! And as for Joker's implants, I figured since there were bone implants in the game (for upgrades), I decided to integrate those into the crew as well. I mean why not? It's not like Cerberus CAN'T spare the resources (not to mention A LOT of resources were collected by Shepard), considering each crew member was "handpicked" by the Illusive Man. Some people disagree. What do you guys think?**

**Disclaimer: Completely owned by Bioware and all of its epicness.**

JOKER

Sleep never came to him… how could he sleep, when the images haunted him so vividly? Her face, her kisses, the taste of her skin… he shook his head and then looked at his clock as it buzzed. 0400, time to get up… he was clearly not getting any sleep. Besides, he had something he had to do before everyone else got up. He got up, showered and brushed his teeth in the men's room. Steam covered the air as he stood in front of the mirror with wet, messy hair and a towel wrapped around his waist. His limbs were in pain, especially his legs, if it weren't for the implants, he would have most probably broken something… but the pain in his body did not surpass the pain in his heart.

He was disgusted at himself…

If he knew Shepard, and he did, she would regret everything that happened. She would blame alcohol, she would regard him as the mistake that was never supposed to happen… yeah, he had pretty much blown it. In any case, why would she want him? He sighed, shaking off the thoughts and proceeded to get dressed. He noticed his hat was nowhere to be found near his uniform.

Hobbling slower than usual, he made it to the elevator and picked the floor to the CIC. When he made it out, he winced, his knees were in agonizing pain, but he had to keep moving. It took him a few minutes to cross the entire combat center to the cockpit. On the floor laid something that made him stop and forget about the pain for a moment.

_"Jeff…"_ her voice…

He swallowed and picked up his hat from the floor, then sat in the cockpit, flipping on the switch for the panel display. EDI greeted him.

"Good morning Jeff."

"Not quite…" he grumbled under his breath. "Morning, EDI. Could you do me a favor and bring up last night's surveillance vid?" He said as he brought up EDI's monitoring panel.

"Of course."

Just yesterday, things seemed so light and… uncomplicated… today, his head was a mess, and he could only guess at what she was thinking…

EDI had brought up the surveillance vid, showing an empty CIC for a few hours, the time was stated in the upper left corner, he fast forwarded a few hours, until he reached the footage he wanted to recall.

_"You underestimate me-" _ the sound of his own voice made him cringe.

Pause. Rewind.

"EDI, I'm going to make a footage loop and you will replace this footage with the one I'm going to make. I need you to get rid of this."

"Are you asking me to forge my surveillance records?" The AI questioned.

"Yes."

"Impossible Mr. Moreau."

His lips formed a thin line and he glared at the panels before him, then took a deep breath to relax. "EDI, don't start. I'm not in the mood." He started slowly working the panels.

"It's against regulations-"

"We're not exactly working WITHIN regulations anymore EDI! I don't know if you noticed, but regulations are the LEAST of our problems at the moment." He interrupted, clearly irritated. "Please, just do it." He waited for a response, but got none. "If not for me, then for Shepard… please."

A few seconds of silence went by before the AI spoke. "Affirmative. Erasing surveillance records. Stand by for record insertion."

"Thank you." He sighed in relief and in a few seconds he inserted the forged loop.

Now that that was taken care of… he laid back on his seat and looked up as his hat angled to cover his face. What the hell was he going to do? How would he talk to her? How would he even face her? He lifted his hands and pressed his hat down with intertwined fingers. Last night, it all seemed too surreal to think about the consequences and today… it seemed like the scariest shit he'd ever have to face in his life, and he had faced Reapers, the biggest threat in the galaxy! The worst thing about it was that they were on shore leave… it's not like they had pressing matters besides fixing the ship. Not like he had a valid excuse to delay the subject. He felt like screaming… like a coward… like running, y'know… figuratively.

What it all came down to… was guts. Did he have what it took to tell her how he really felt? Would he risk the friendship they had formed? Would he risk… losing her again?

All the while… EDI observed carefully.

SHEPARD

Darkness, complete and utter darkness. She had no dreams that night, and she wanted to keep it that way, the nightmares were getting worse… today there was nothing to wake up to. Except maybe the constant headache... she groaned and rubbed her temple. Her breath still smelled of pure alcohol. Lucky for her to have an AI on the ship…

"EDI." Her voice croaked.

"Yes Commander?"

"Send a message to Gardner. Tell him I need to see him-" she looked at her clock. 1014 hours. "Holy shit!" She kicked off her blanket in frenzy. "EDI what's our status?" Her urgent tone contrasted the AI's monotone as she made her way to the bathroom.

"The repairs on the Normandy have begun today at 0800, the repair crew is currently running diagnostics. Dr. Mordin Solus is overlooking the process while Engineer Tali'Zorah is in charge of providing equipment and supplies. Legion remains unnoticed in the AI console, he has temporarily disabled my outlets in the Engineering Deck for security purposes. Officer Lawson is in her office with various crew members and… I believe Mr. Moreau would like a word with you Commander. The rest of the crew is ashore."

Her eyes widened and she cursed under her breath as she examined herself in the mirror. What the hell had she been thinking last night? A one night stand with Joker, of all people? She could have used alcohol as an excuse… no. He could see through that in a second. But was it a one night stand…? Of course it was! Joker? Genuinely interested in her? Laughable! She thought herself pathetic for even pondering. A sudden burst of rage and frustration blinded her judgment and her brow furrowed beneath her bangs.

_"You're beautiful…"_ his words rang.

"Fuck!" Her fist hit the wall, making a dent… implants. Her head moved from the mirror to the wall with a furious glare. Her anger numbed the pain in her fist, and her prime concern switched to the Normandy. "Cerberus piece of SHIT! Have to spend so much money repairing this giant hunk of JUNK and the walls can't even… goddamn… stupid!" A string of curses was followed by incoherent garble and the sound of a rapid toothbrush.

A dent… great. What the hell was she so angry at anyway! Probably the splitting headache, or the fact that she slept with Joker… she spit and continued at an increased pace. Maybe because she woke up late, or… maybe the fact that she slept with Joker… and liked it. Scratch that! She spit again for the final time and rinsed, splashing her face.

A flash of memories flooded her brain as she covered her face with her wet palms and a few seconds went by before she lifted it and looked in the mirror once again. Her reflection inspired only one word: Idiot. She felt like an idiot for letting herself think someone like him could actually give a shit about her. Jeff "Joker" Moreau, the eternally sarcastic, big shot helmsman who never cares for anything other than his ship…

"EDI! Get Gardner and tell him to meet in mess hall in 10, ASAP!" She barked angrily, grabbing a towel and exiting the bathroom.

"Aye aye Commander."

As she dressed in an unusually accelerated pace, her thoughts raced. How could she have allowed herself to do that? It was irresponsible, unprofessional and he was her FRIEND for fuck's sake! Yes, she knew he cared about her enough… yeah, he cared about something other than the Normandy, yeah, she was wrong about him... but now she had probably just fucked that up… or had she? This was Joker she was talking about… he would probably shrug it off as a "friendly" gesture, right? Yeah, he would… that was a relief. And of course, the reason he wanted to talk was just to make sure that she was… fine with that. And was she fine with that? Of course! Then why was she still furious! It's not like she actually WANTED him to want her, right! Of course not!

She stormed out of her quarters and into the elevator with a death glare and wishing only that she had something to kill as she pressed the button for crew quarters. Feeling confused and out of control, she kept going through various scenarios in her head, scared out of her mind of each one. Then as the elevator went down, she counted backwards from ten, helping her body relax. When she arrived, she counted three crew members in mess hall and two in Miranda's office, Sergeant Gardner included. Taking a deep breath, she made her way to Miranda's office, her rage hidden under a stoic mask. At the sight of her, the officer was the first to stand and salute.

"Good morning." She greeted everyone in the room as they saluted and greeted her back.

"Sorry Commander, I got your message, but I was almost finished with Miranda here. She's helping me track down my son, you see." Gardner spoke up.

Shepard shrugged, her anger subsiding. "It's alright, carry on. I just wanted to see if you had any of your 'remedies' handy."

He knew exactly what she meant. "Oh! Had one too many drinks last night, I see." He quipped weakly, making a small smile appear on her face. "They're on top of the wall cabinet, left side."

"I see, thanks. By the way… I never knew you had a son, sergeant. "

"Yeah… neither did I until recently. I thought the batarians had taken everything…" his voice trailed off in thought, then his eyebrows furrowed. "I got a tip from a friend a few weeks back… said my son was looking for me. I never even imagined he'd be alive… he must be… 19 now." A small smile slowly crept on his lips as he huffed and slightly hung his head.

Shepard put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "We'll find him, don't worry."

"I know we will Commander. Thank you." His smile widened as a tear rolled down his cheek.

She pressed against his shoulder, smiling sympathetically and then walked away toward the kitchen, only to find Garrus already holding what she was looking for while reading intently. It was a clear jar, holding a green powder labeled "amino".

"I thought all of you were ashore… and if you're looking for dextro-compatible ones I suggest you ask Gardner, he's in there." She pointed to Miranda's office with her thumb.

"Oh, Shepard…" he looked up and his mandibles flickered. His way of smiling. "I just got in a few minutes ago. Came to get this for Grunt… he took some this morning, but, heh… yeah, it's not working. He's crankier than usual, and that's saying a lot. Figured he just needs a larger dose." He said before opening the jar and pouring some powder into a large glass of water.

The mixture turned into a revolting goop in an olive green color. Shepard hesitated, but her headache was more powerful than the disgusting feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"You look like you could use some too." Garrus stated as he observed her.

Her eyes diverted from the glass to the large turian with a glare. "Gee, thanks."

He chuckled as he turned to get another glass and repeated the process. "I'm just looking out for you, Shepard." He handed her the glass and she gulped it down without even looking.

Her nose wrinkled and she cringed while groaning in disgust as the gooey substance went down her throat, relieving her nausea as it reached her stomach.

"Nice and disgusting, just the way I like it."

As her headache faded and conversation with Garrus ensued, her mood lightened greatly. She felt ready to face the day… and him. Soon after, Tali came down and greeted them, grabbing Gardner's remedy from the table and a glass.

"That's amino, Tali." Shepard warned.

"I know, it's for Joker. He looks terrible! Snapped at me when I asked him for Dr. Mordin's list of materials." The quarian responded and a knot formed in Shepard's stomach, but she decided to step up and she stilled the quarian's hand.

"I'll take it up to him, don't worry." Shepard assured her.

JOKER

He had the security panel from the Engineering Deck opened in front of him, watching the repair team working inside, patching the hull while they waited for diagnostics to run. Mostly he just monitored if they suspected anything about an AI on board, which they didn't, thanks to Legion's efforts, but he was paranoid for his baby. Paranoid… or was he just looking for a distraction? He shunned his thoughts and concentrated on the task at hand, listening intently into his headset. The workers were mostly perplexed at the origin of the complex composition of the state-of-the-art armoring, and one of them was amazed at the sheer size of the drive core while the other whined about diagnostics taking too long. If they only knew that their AI could have processed everything in mere seconds… but they wouldn't risk it. A three-taloned hand on his shoulder distracted him.

"GAH!" He jumped and turned his seat around, glaring.

Tali giggled. "Relax Joker, it's me." She said, still giggling and covering her mask.

"Is it too much to ask for a little warning next time!" He snapped.

"I called, but you didn't respond… I need Mordin's list." she stopped giggling and her tone switched to concern as she observed genuine anger in his face. "are you alright…?"

His face softened and he turned to the monitors once again. "Yeah, just a bad hangover, that's all."

"Oh! Well, I know just the thing. I'll be back." She walked away, her steps echoing.

He took off his headset and rubbed his eyes. Exhaustion was starting to get to him… his eyes shut and his mind began to wander. Deleting the security vid had helped him take him mind away from the previous night's events. It made him feel a lot better… almost like nothing happened! Yeah right… he knew better than that. When he saw her, it would bring everything back…

He heard steps approaching and turned started turning slowly, while still staring at the panels.

"Sorry Tali, I didn't mean-"

"She knows, don't worry." A familiar voice said.

His head turned as his heart stopped.

"Shepard."


	8. I knew it

**A/N: Shenko warning.**

**Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, and I mean, all.**

"Shepard." His surprised gaze set upon her.

"Hey." She stood there, half smiling at him. "Your attitude is starting to scare people. You're lucky Tali's tougher than you are."

She seemed in a good enough mood and completely unaware… maybe he was making a big deal out of nothing. He was careful not to give himself away as he looked down and scratched his neck, thinking of what to say.

"Wow, you didn't say anything. Something must be really wrong!" She teased. "Anyway, I brought you something to help with the problem…" she handed him the glass as his head rose.

After taking a good look at the contents, he raised his eyebrow, then looked at her. "I guess I finally got on your bad side if you're trying to kill me with… whatever this is."

She chuckled. "It's a mixture of natural medicinal compounds, according to Gardner, says he bought the recipe from an asari merchant years ago. It tastes like Hanar crap, but it helps. Just… don't hesitate."

His face turned to a crooked frown. "You're serious?"

She nodded. "Hey I'm not dead yet."

He scoffed and smirked, then downed the drink halfway before putting the glass down as his entire body shuddered. After a few seconds of getting over the foul taste, he finally spoke. "Don't make me do that again." Shepard smiled as he handed back the glass, their fingers touched and their eyes met, but he quickly looked away without an ounce of emotion, prompting her to do the same. "Thanks though, it does help."

"Yeah, you're welcome." Her head lowered.

He laid back as he let the fluid flow down his esophagus. "Ugh… I'm never drinking again."

"Yeah, last night was pretty crazy…" she began nervously. "EDI said you wanted to talk."

His eyes shifted quickly to the blue orb behind Shepard. "She did?" He hadn't said any- …oh. Damn AI. He took a deep breath and looked at her, lifting his arms as if to explain. "Shepard, I-"

"Wait." She put a finger to his lips. "Before you say anything I just want you to know that… it's fine. You know, I think we're both pretty grown up to admit our mistakes… after all, we're adults." His stomach churned at the word 'mistake', he knew it. "And as an adult, I think it's best if we just admit that last night was a mistake and move on. " As she removed her finger, he felt a sharp chest pain, but said nothing. His mouth had a small gape, and his body had frozen. He knew this would happen… all hope had faded from his mind. "That **is** fine with you, right?" She looked unsure as she examined him for a response.

Breaking away from his trance, he looked at her with a casual expression, shrugging and finally putting down his arms. "Yeah, sure. I mean, we were wasted, so it's no big deal."

She smiled. "Good! Glad that's over… we still friends?" She offered her hand.

"Of course." He accepted. "But that's gonna change if you don't get these morons off my ship soon." He pointed back to the security panel with his thumb. "They're getting on my last nerve, I swear. I'd go down there and do it myself, but then the Normandy wouldn't be the only thing needing repairs."

She laughed. "Oh that reminds me, Mordin's list?"

"Right." He rotated his seat and brought up another panel, working his fingers swiftly. "Alright I uploaded it into your omni-tool."

"Thanks, I'll go suit up." Her steps jogged away quickly.

"See ya." He called after her.

He felt his heart sink to the pit of his stomach, but he couldn't lie to himself… he knew this would happen. It still didn't stop it from hurting…

"That did not go as expected…" the AI voice stated.

"EDI?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

"Affirmative."

Shepard went back to her cabin, lost in thought. So her suspicions were right… it had been just a fling to him and he did shrug it off. … she knew this would happen, but for some reason, it still hurt. For some reason, she felt saddened. Her omni-tool flickered to life and she opened a private communication channel, summoning Tali to the CIC and she made her way down after slipping on her armor. When she reached the CIC, Tali was waiting for her in front of the airlock door, talking to Joker. As she approached, she couldn't help but overhear.

"You feeling better yet?" Tali asked him.

"Yeah, I'm good." He answered, still looking at the panel. "Man, Mordin's a slave driver! I'd hate to have him as my boss."

"Well, he has to be if we want the repairs done by tomorrow…" she said in reply, then saw Shepard and opened the airlock.

"Let's go. Watch the ship while we're gone, Joker." Shepard said before stepping out, without looking back at him.

The sound of her voice stung his heart. "Yep…"

Shepard's visor was down, hiding the upper part of her face, but her brows were furrowed and her eyes burned. The pair quickly made their way to the market districts, passing by their teammates at the docks, but Shepard was walking faster than normal, leaving Tali to catch up. Thoughts kept going back and forth… her mind raced around him and again her anger was rising, and she didn't know why…

"Shepard." Tali had a concerned tone in her voice.

"What?" Her pace quickened.

"Is something the matter?" The quarian asked.

She stopped. "I'm fine…" she took a deep breath. "I just… have this weird feeling, like something's not right."

Now that she thought about it… her situation with Joker wasn't the only thing going awry. Something really was out of place… Liara was gone without trace, and there had been no contact yet… she was getting worried.

"Then we should stay alert, just in case." Tali put a hand on her shoulder, as if to assure she had Shepard's back.

Vera's look softened, and she laid her hand on top of Tali's as a thankful gesture. They proceeded walking, looking for possible leads on the parts and materials they needed. EDI was tracking down numerous sources, but the prices were too steep. After two hours, they managed to get most of the items on the list, all on rush delivery, which was unfortunately more costly…

During Shepard's journey, she had managed to collect a small fortune, but with her resources cut off and a stranded ship, she was at a bit of a disadvantage. They would have to make do with what they had for now… the Normandy functioned within normal parameters without the upgrades in any case, but it wouldn't be the same.

"I guess this is it for now… I'm sure we can work miracles with what we have so far. Well, we'll have to… right?" Shepard turned to Tali.

The quarian gave off an aura of delight as she was browsing a catalog console, but after a few seconds, her head turned to Shepard.

"What? Oh, of course!" She replied, making Shepard chuckle. "I'm sorry. I've just been wanting a new omni-tool for a while now. They don't make them like they used to anymore… everything is so focused on being 'user friendly', and hacking them is a pain-" her glowing eyes suddenly shifted behind Shepard and narrowed. "Speaking of pains… here comes that bosh'tet." She stepped past Shepard, facing her objective.

"What bosh… shit." Shepard said as she turned around.

A man was walking toward them, his full lips were shut in a stoic trance. His uniform was familiar, and so was his authoritative stance… but what gave this man away to her, were his eyes. She could have recognized those eyes anywhere, those dark, whiskey-colored irises, the puppy dog slant… eyes that were once entrancing to her…

"Commander Shepard, Tali." He greeted.

"That's Chief Engineer Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya to you, Alenko." Tali retorted.

"I apologize." He said with a small nod, then turned to Shepard. "Can I talk to you?"

Her hands shook with rage at the sight of this man, but Shepard considered herself a diplomatic person. Plus it would have been unbecoming of her to yell at this man… as much as she wanted to.

"You go on ahead Tali. I'll catch up in a minute." Shepard urged Tali, placing a hand on her shoulder.

The angered quarian looked from Kaidan, to Shepard and nodded, despite the urge to kill the bastard. She left the store without a word, stomping her feet heavily as he watched.

"You know, she used to be so nice." Kaidan observed as he turned back to the commander.

Shepard scoffed and crossed her arms. "Can you blame her? Honestly?"

"Heh, no I guess not…" He smirked.

"What do you want Kaidan?"

"I just want to talk."

"You've been doing that."

"In private… if you don't mind."

"I do mind, so talk."

He hesitated. "Right… you're stubborn." Sighing, he continued. "Look, I wanted to apologize for what happened on Horizon. It wasn't right… but I was confused! Seeing you alive and working with Cerberus after what they did… it made me question which side you were really on. I sent a letter… "

Shepard rolled her eyes with an exasperating sigh. "Kaidan, this really isn't the time…"

"I know… that's why I wanted to ask you if you were free later tonight." He ventured shyly, interrupting her.

She raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "You're asking me out?"

"Technically, I'm asking if I could talk to you when you do have time."

"Forget it." Shepard waved him away and started her walk toward the front of the store.

His eyes followed her with a pained expression, but he kept his hope alive after studying her reactions. "I understand. I'll be in Eternity tonight if you change your mind." He said after her.

Her footsteps froze as her hands fisted… her whole body was trembling. She thought about going back, she thought she was making a mistake… she hesitated, but continued her stride, leaving the man she once loved behind.

Meanwhile, an angry quarian had just walked through the airlock door, followed by diverse but terrified delivery men from different corporations. When Joker heard the commotion, he rotated his seat and saw Tali standing in the corridor.

"You three, take the elevator down to Engineering and deliver those parts to the crew below!" She pointed to the first three, then the elevator. "You, take those boxes to the Research Lab!" She pointed to another quarian, who almost ran into the lab. "And you, OUT! Leave those crates outside! I'll take care of it!" The human and salarian delivery men obeyed quickly and scrammed away. "And YOU!" She pointed to a shaking Volus carrying a small box. "Give me that!" Snatching the small package from his hands, she pointed the way out and he wobbled away.

Joker was surprised but amused at the sudden display of liveliness in the CIC. Had she had a bad shopping experience? Unlikely, knowing her…

"Hey, Vader, is fall to Dark Side now complete? Terrified, that guy was. See, did you not?" He quipped.

"What are you talking about and why are you talking like that!" Her mask made a wheezing sound as she breathed heavily.

He contained the sudden burst of laughter and shook his head. "Never mind. What's got you so wound up all of a sudden?"

"Oh, it's that idiot, Alenko. He's here in Ilium, and Shepard, she stayed behind to talk to him. Keelah, that coward has nothing to say to her!"

His look darkened at the mention of his name. Great, just when things couldn't get any worse in this emotional turmoil, Kaidan Alenko appears and made things seem awfully bleak. But… that night.

_"Bye Kaidan!"_

She had to have another reason to stay and talk to him. Maybe he had information she wants? Maybe the Alliance had a message for her? If so, they sure as hell sent the wrong messenger…

"Calm down Tali. It's probably nothing… why do you get so mad anyway?"

"Because, after I came on this ship, I went to her… I went to her for help with the Flotilla and she was in her room, crying with his picture on her hands. She told me everything… she was heartbroken. After that, I decided it best to tell Kelly to give her a message, for when she was ready… but I am never going to forget. Not what she did for me, and not what he did to her…" her words faded into silence and she walked away.

He knew exactly how Tali felt… he knew, better than anyone.

A crash came from the lab, provoking a scream from Tali. "GAH! GET **OUT**!"


	9. Control

**Disclaimer: Yeah, you know… **

Shepard had arrived on the Normandy with a triumphant look in her eyes after shaking off her uneasy thoughts. Even if they hadn't found all the materials they needed, the ship would be in optimum travel conditions in a short while. Joker greeted her formally and she approached the cockpit, her eyes fixated on the security monitors.

"How are we doing?" She asked.

"Finally making some progress. They're done with diagnostics and they cleaned out the scrap… luckily the hull damage wasn't too extensive. We'll have some damage on the inside of the ship, but nothing we can't do without... oh and I don't suggest going into the lab."

"Why not?"

"Tali's kinetic barriers were weakened after the attack, so she's working on that, but I don't think it's going too well."

A loud thump came from the direction of the lab and she winced.

"Oh… well I'll try to see if I can help and not be completely useless. See if you can't help out the guys outside. They're putting up some panels in the hull, if anything… it should be fun to watch." She tapped his shoulder.

"Right." He nodded and activated the outside surveillance.

She was about to retire to the lab, when he spoke up. "So… Alenko huh?" He asked casually but with a hint of disdain.

Shepard picked up on his tone and turned, recalling her thoughtful state. The way he said it aroused suspicion… "Yeah…"

"What did he want?"

"He just wanted to talk." She raised an eyebrow and walked closer.

"What about?" His hand raised as he slid a panel down, his eyes were focused on what he was doing.

"Horizon…" her head lowered as she looked to the side, she couldn't read him... "He wanted to apologize. Said to meet him later tonight, but I told him no."

He gave her a thoughtful hum, but remained focused. After a few seconds, he turned away from what he was doing and faced her. "You know, not that it's any of my business, of course…" the words stabbed at her, but she remained cool. "But he walked out on us, on you once already, what makes you think he won't do it again?"

She scoffed. "Did you not hear when I said that I told him no?"

"Just saying, Commander. Wouldn't want to hear you whining about it afterwards…" he turned back to what he was doing.

Her eyes narrowed into slits and she walked away without one more word.

Who the hell did he think he was, talking to her like that! She didn't need this crap, much less from him! If he wasn't such an irritable bastard all the time, she might have thought he was jealous… but seeing as he still was, regardless of making her think otherwise before, it was impossible. It took her a lot less time to cross the empty CIC than she thought. In seconds, she was in the Normandy's tech lab, seething unwillingly. Tali looked up at her from the mass effect accelerator in the corner of the room with a frustrated sigh.

The quarian's glowing eyes softened noticeably behind her mask when she saw the furious woman standing by the door. "I suppose it didn't go very well with Alenko…"

"I don't want to talk about it." The commander waved her off and walked toward her. The issue would have to wait…

"Understood." She nodded and returned to what she was doing while Shepard observed. "The kinetic emitters are damaged and this accelerator won't work properly so I can repair them."

"Probably a power surge or something… EDI, get me the fusion plant status." She ordered.

"There was a fire that damaged one of the auxiliary lines during the attack. It needs to be replaced before fusion plant function is completely restored. Mr. Moreau has the full report."

Shepard heaved a sigh. The mere mention of his last name irked her, but now wasn't the time. "At least it's not affecting primary systems… I'll go fix it." She indicated Tali and turned to walk away.

"Uh, I'd better come with you…" the young quarian's voice sounded nervous as she caught up with Shepard. The commander raised an eyebrow at her. "No offense Shepard but your technical expertise should only be limited to ordnance …"

"What's that supposed to mean?" She inquired as they walked alongside each other.

"It means you're not very good when it comes to **not** blowing up something, which would be very counterproductive…" Tali quipped.

"What?" Her eyebrows furrowed in mock anger as she elongated the vowel. "For your information, I am **very** good at fixing things!"

The quarian chuckled. "Depends on what you mean by fixing…" they got to the elevator and called it. Tali then stopped chuckling and looked toward the bridge, then at the commander.

"Don't we need the report first?" Tali questioned.

Shepard had her arms crossed and was looking intently at the elevator. She hesitated and her body stiffened. "Nope." She said dryly.

"Then how are we supposed to know which line is it?" Now Tali was crossing her arms as well as she shifted her weight.

"It's auxiliary."

"There's dozens of auxiliary lines down there."

"Look for the one that's burnt." She shrugged.

"That could take hours!"

Hours she could spend away from him… but time they couldn't afford to waste. "You're right, you go get the report, I'll… wait down there." The elevator arrived and Shepard got on immediately, selecting the lowest level of the ship.

The door closed in Tali's face as the quarian's look shifted from puzzled to suspicious. Shepard exhaled and leaned to the back of the elevator. She took her helmet off and then ran her armored hand through her hair. This unexpected behavior on Joker's behalf was clouding her thoughts, contaminating them with images of his face, hurting her with memories of his words… she was caring too much about what he thought.

Meanwhile, Tali meditated on the commander's sudden behavior. There was a look of distance in her eyes… was she distraught over Kaidan? Probably… she didn't blame her. She walked over to the cockpit and saw Joker looking idly at the security monitors with a hand beneath his chin.

"Joker, can I have the diagnostics report on the fusion plant? The commander needs them." Tali asked.

He straightened up and swiftly operated his keyboard before going back to his comfortable position.

"There." He didn't even flinch at the sound of her voice.

Same distant look. Maybe Kaidan wasn't the problem after all… she hesitated before leaving. "Did something happen…?" She asked as her eyebrow arched.

"Nope." His face was stoic, but his tone was far from it, he sounded… peeved.

"Right… well, thanks." She decided against poking the matter and turned to leave.

As he heard her steps fade, his tension eased. It had been a difficult day… he needed time. But in that time, he risked compromising his relationship with… his CO, his best friend… the love of his life? Whatever, her! He wasn't angry, or so he kept telling himself. He wasn't angry at all… The sluggish hours passed and the busy day turned to restful night. His eyes would allow him to stay awake no longer and the lights dimmed as his consciousness slipped away.

The whole crew had had a tiring day, but progress was already ahead of schedule. At this, she was pleased. Her wet hair from the shower soaked her pillow as she laid on her bed, wrapped in a towel. Vera's body welcomed sleep, but her mind was restless…

Everything was a mess… everything felt out of her hands… she was losing control. She smirked at the irony. Control, the **one** thing she never had a problem obtaining, but the last thing on her mind when Joker was around. And Joker was the one person she could never figure out… why? Was it because she never bothered to try? Was it because she never saw him as a threat to her control? Was it both? Come to think of it, she never needed to keep control over him… because she had always trusted him.

Memories of Ilos emerged…

_ "Picking up some strange readings from the planet's surface." Navigator Pressly's voice rang in. _

_ She looked at her helmsman. "Take us in Joker. Lock in on the coordinates." He looked at her and nodded._

_ "Negative on that Commander, the nearest landing zone is two clicks away." The navigator stated._

_ "We'll never make it in time on foot. Get us something closer!" Kaidan protested from behind her. _

_ "There is nowhere closer, I've looked!" Pressly barked back._

_ She rolled her eyes. "Drop us in the Mako." She said, exploring her options._

_ "You need at least a hundred meters of open terrain to pull off a drop like that. The most I can find near Saren is twenty." Pressly said, his voice reflected a nervous vibe. She turned to look at him, finding signs of perspiration on his forehead, the tension had a hold on him._

_ Her eyes then shifted to the pilot once again… determination was his dominant feature and her muscles seemed to relax._

_ "Twenty meters? We'll never get close enough for a drop." Kaidan protested once again. The man was doing a lousy job at inspiring morale…_

_ "We have to try!" Liara chimed in, clearly annoyed._

_ Kaidan ignored her and turned to the navigator. "Find another landing zone!"_

_ "There __**is**__ no other landing zone!" Pressly retorted._

_ "The descent angle's too steep." Apparently Kaidan's pessimism was contagious as Tali voiced her thoughts._

_ "It's our only option." Liara affirmed._

_ Kaidan's voice was filled with concern and reason… two things she didn't need right now. She rubbed her temple and closed her eyes as she listened to her crew._

"_It's not an option! It's a suicide run! We don't-" Kaidan began…_

"_I can do it." Her eyes flew open and she turned to Joker. His voiced saved her from desperation._

"_Joker…?" She asked, pleasantly surprised with his outburst._

_His eyes narrowed as he operated the panels vigorously. "I can do it." He repeated._

_She smirked unconsciously. Those four words were all she needed for morale for she believed them passionately… she believed in __**him**__._

"_Gear up and head down to the Mako!" She commanded her ground team. "Joker, drop us right on top of that bastard." She turned to leave, when she felt a hand grabbing her wrist gently._

_He smiled brightly as she turned to face him, a smile she returned, leaning to close the distance between them. Slipping one hand under her jaw and another around her waist, he pulled her closer and their lips touched._

Her eyes opened as the sound of her own moan awakened her and she felt her smile fading slowly. She was smiling while sleeping? Shaking off the thought, she looked at the clock… still early night. She only dozed off for a few minutes.

She lifted herself off the bed with newfound determination and hung the towel in the bathroom, feeding her fish on the way. If the dream had told her anything, it was that not all things were out of her control. Her civvies were set on her bed and she looked at them disapprovingly. Civvies were inappropriate for the occasion. After all, Kaidan would get to see her tonight…

The clacking sound of shoes pulled him out of his dream. Joker awoke and rotated his seat only to see his commanding officer approaching him in a short, black dress and black pumps. The dress was formal, hugged her curves and showed off a little cleavage… he was in awe of her body, but he would not let it show this time. Normally, he would have said something inappropriate and made her blush, but he swallowed his thoughts as he remembered the "Kaidan" conversation and it hit him like a brick: she was going to see him. He rotated his seat again, facing away from her and pretended to do something other than be inwardly furious and then deny it incessantly.

She opened the airlock without a word, and stood there, looking down at the floor. He sensed her hesitation.

"You're going to see him, aren't you?" He asked, not facing her.

"Yes. But not that it's any of your business, right?" She replied, lifting her head.

"That's right, Commander." He enunciated that last word in his head after he said it.

Her right hand tightened into a fist and she walked out.

His breathing accelerated, his heartbeat became stronger and his lips tightened and he slammed his fist on the panel in anger. He felt his little finger metacarpal bone crack on impact and groaned inwardly in pain. Measuring strength was hard with fragile bones, but he was sure he had it figured out, until now… his anger melted away with the pain as his hand grew before his eyes. Looked like he was spending the night in Med Bay… he paged Dr. Chakwas and the pain managed to put Shepard out of his mind.

Neither of them had noticed watchful blue eyes from the armory as Miranda had witnessed the entire scene by accident. She closed the door and hid behind it as a distraught Joker went into the elevator. She went back into the Armory, ignoring a startled Jacob and stood before the blue orb next to another door leading to the tech lab. "EDI, I need access to security surveillance…"


	10. To Omega

**Disclaimer: Not mine, Bioware's!**

Drink in hand, Kaidan sat silently by the bar. The place wasn't full, which was fine by him. He never was a fan of crowds. Especially not alien crowds when he was in his formal Alliance uniform… they stared at him as if he was from… well, from another planet. He had only been there around twenty minutes, and he didn't know if Shepard would show at all. It would have been surprising if she did… he stared at his cuba libre before downing it. Putting the glass back on the bar, he ordered a refill with a hand gesture, then turned his head to look around. He looked once, and saw no sign of her, so he went back to the bar… but something had caught his attention. Turning his head once again, the figure he had seen walking through the door was walking toward him now, and he swore he was hallucinating. She was next to him at the bar now, waiting to be served.

He stared at her in awe with a smirk on his face. "Either I'm really drunk, or you're wearing a dress… and since I'm not feeling drunk, I'd say…"

"Yes, I'm here and yes I'm wearing a dress. Is it that surprising that I figured social calls don't require body armor? Unless, you're here to kill me, in which case, you're the one who better start running because you know I always carry a gun…" Shepard retorted.

He chuckled in his usual raspy voice. "Relax. You look great, you should wear those more often."

The asari bartender arrived and gave Shepard a surprised look. "By the Goddess, you're still alive?"

Vera smiled. "Barely. I'll have some gin and tonic please."

She nodded and got to work. "How's flyboy?" She asked while pouring liquid into a glass.

A sudden pang of guilt hit her stomach at the mention of him, but she kept a straight face. "He's good. Moody, cranky, arrogant… his usual charming self." By the end of that sentence, she was smiling.

No matter how angry at him she was or how much crap they went through, she would never slander Joker… to anyone.

The matriarch chuckled hoarsely and served her drink. "Tell him I said hi, will you?"

"Yeah…" Shepard took her drink in hand then faced Kaidan. "Can we get a table?"

"Sure." He got up and walked beside her toward a table, offering her a seat before sitting down himself.

"Who's flyboy?" Kaidan asked casually as he sat.

She smiled. "I was here with the crew last night and… apparently, Joker made a new friend."

"Really? No kidding, Joker making friends. That's new." He had an estranged look.

"Yeah…" her smile faded as she remembered her purpose. "So, I'm curious… why did you change your mind? You seemed pretty adamant on Horizon." She asked, raising an eyebrow and crossing her legs, putting the drink to her lips.

He put his elbows on the table and rested his arms, his back straight. The Alliance had had its effect on his mannerisms. "Well, to be fair, I thought you were dead for two years, so Horizon wasn't entirely my fault…"

"Of course, it's my fault for actually being dead, right?" Her hands flailed as they hung loosely from the back of the chair.

He hesitated and inhaled deeply. "You're right… I didn't know, and I spoke out of turn, for that I'm really sorry…" his brown orbs searched her greens for a reaction but all they let him know was that she was listening. "And I guess that letter was a poor excuse for an apology."

She smirked and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, tell me about it."

He lowered his head and chuckled. "Fair enough…"

Shepard then lowered her arms from the chair and leaned on her elbows, reducing their distance and piercing into his eyes. "You still haven't answered the question."

"Liara." He blurted out. "She contacted me after you came to see her for the first time. She said she had information that I should know about. With all the rumors flying about her work with the Shadow Broker, I wasn't sure if I could trust her, so I decided I wouldn't take the bait."

She retreated to her original position and crossed her arms in front of her. "Sounds like something theCouncil would say… city life getting to you, career man?"

"Hah, you don't know half of it…" he shook his head. "Anyway… I saw what happened on the vids. You and your team had taken down the Collector base, and I heard from Alliance intel that you were on the run from Cerberus. News from Cerberus travels fast in the Alliance, especially now that we began hunting them down. You could imagine my surprise when I heard that bit… that's when I decided to seek her out."

Shepard's face switched from attentive to thoughtful as she almost choked. "Wait, you said you saw Liara? When?"

"About a week ago, I was here before you came… why?"

"So this isn't just a tragic coincidence. Did she say anything about leaving?"

"She mentioned I had bad timing. Apparently she was going to hunt someone down… gotten a tip from a reliable source. She kept trying to contact you but you never responded, probably a damaged comm buoy…"

Her brow furrowed. "Or a deliberate communications jam… did you tell her Cerberus was after us?" Her tone grew alarmed and she stood up.

"No, that's classified Alliance intel…"

Shepard seethed as she began rapidly walking toward the entrance without one more word. He stood up and ran over to the bar, paying their credits before he left behind her.

"What's going on Shepard?" He asked, keeping up with her with ease.

"Liara worked directly with the Illusive Man to get my body back, that much you know now… but once she handed me over, she started working as an information broker to hunt down the Shadow Broker. She was never working for him, she wants to kill him."

"So she went after him…"

"And the Illusive Man was her 'reliable source'. That's why the comms were jammed and there was no trace in her office."

He paused as he brought all the pieces together. "Damn… but why would she trust him? And how could she not know her comms were jammed?"

They had reached the docks and the Normandy was about ten yards away. The heels were slowing her down.

"The Illusive Man is resourceful, she probably didn't know she was walking into a trap. And if it is a trap, he's using her as bait." She paused. "He faked the signal from the Normandy… she thinks it's us! That's why it took her so long to leave! Why else would she not go right away otherwise?" She kicked off her pumps and started a barefoot quick jog toward the Normandy.

"I'm coming with you." He said after her, making her stop and give him a defiant look. "Look, if I had told her…"

"I'm not going to indulge your guilt trip, Kaidan. You're staying. You're not ruining your career over this."

"This isn't about my career, Shepard…" he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him, hugging her. "I'm not losing you again."

His biotics caused electric shocks to rise up her spine and she trembled under his embrace. This felt too familiar to her… but for some reason, she didn't seem to miss it. Images drowned her mind, but these… they weren't of the man she had in front of her. No, it wasn't Kaidan at all.

"I'm sorry Kaidan. This isn't happening." At the words, his body went stiff.

She pushed him away and lifted her head to face him. He was perplexed at her reaction, stumbling over his words. His brow furrowed in confusion.

"W-what? Why…? What happened?"

"I came… because I wanted to say good-bye… because this is quite possibly the last time you'll ever see me."

"What, you wanted closure? Is that it?" He started blinking at the burning in his eyes.

"I already had my closure, Kaidan. I'm… I moved on. But obviously, you didn't." Her expression looked pained.

She hated doing this to him, but it had to be done. The first step to regaining control was always to tie up loose ends. She needed to do this, for him, and for her peace of mind.

"I see." His voice began to break as he put a hand over his mouth and looked at her.

"I'm sorry-" he put a finger over her lips.

"Spare me. Please." He slid his hand down her arm to hers and lifted it as his eyes started to water. "Vera Shepard, it was an honor to have met you." He cradled her hand in both of his and kissed it gently as he smiled at her weakly.

"The honor was mine, Kaidan… farewell." She turned to take her leave and began walking, her shoes in hand.

"He's lucky to have you." She heard his voice after her.

She paused and turned around, taking her turn to stumble over words. "What! How…? Wait! I don't-!"

"Your smile, when you were talking about him… it gave you away before you even said anything. I hoped it was just my imagination, but I know you Vera. I know that look." A tear rolled down his cheek, taking refuge in his left dimple as he tightened his lips. "Good-bye." he saluted and about-faced, then walked away.

She was stunned, confused, bewildered… unbelieving… what was she doing? She didn't have time for this. She sprinted the rest of the way to the ship. The airlock opened and she almost bumped into Miranda, who was staring at her knowingly.

"Miranda! I was just about to go looking for you, we need to get out of here! Leave is cancelled! Gather the crew and let's go! We're going after Cerberus." She looked toward the empty bridge. "Where's Joker?"

"He's in med bay Commander, he hit something with too much force and injured his hand…" Miranda studied Shepard's reaction as confusion took over her features. "He was upset."

She rolled her eyes in disbelief. "Let's just page the crew and get out of here. I need to change."

Miranda stared at her commander as she walked away with pursed lips and a small gape in her mouth. Could the woman _really_ be so dense?

"And tell Joker to stop faking and get his whiny ass up here!" Shepard yelled from the bottom of the CIC.

Miranda lifted her arms in defeat. Yes, she _really_ was…

"EDI, set a course for Omega." She commanded the AI.

"Affirmative."

The officer then neared the bridge and activated the universal intercom, which paged everyone on or off board through high priority transmitters implanted into their ear canal. It was an annoying little evil device… but necessary for the Normandy crew, according to Cerberus standards.

"Normandy crew, this is XO Lawson. Leave is cancelled. I need all hands back in their stations to get ready for departure. I repeat, all hands to your stations immediately, you will be briefed en route."

Meanwhile, Joker sat on one of the med bay beds, his hand being examined by the knowledgeable Dr. Chakwas. Every touch she made was agonizing and he felt a sweat bead roll down his temple.

"How in the devil did manage to do this to yourself, Jeff?" Her face was a mixture of astonishment and sleep deprivation.

Out of the whole crew, Dr. Chakwas had taken her abduction by the Collectors the worst. She knew it wasn't a sensible thing to let the past hang over her head, but the things she had seen while the rest of the crew was passed out… no sentient being should ever have to go through that. Her short, silver hair was tied back in a ponytail, but some strands still moved over her face.

"What can I say?" He winced. "EDI finally pissed me off. I think the Reaper IFF is having some weird side effect we didn't know about. Wait, no… she's always been irritating. Never mind, let's just call it… late night habits and leave it at that."

Chakwas pursed her lips and gave him a look, then shook her head and continued to examine him. "Well, you're lucky it's not broken."

"Really?"

"No, the only thing that's broken here is your sense of humor… that joint was already irritated and you managed to dislocate it. It's rare in normal cases, but given your condition…" She walked away and opened a drawer, taking out a rubber mouthpiece. "Bite down." She ordered.

"Great." He inhaled deeply and braced himself, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth into the foul-tasting rubber.

She placed herself to pull on his hand. "One… two…"

With a crack, an immense amount of pain shot up through his entire arm as a muffled scream erupted from his throat. His hand balled up in a tight fist. After a few seconds, his breathing slowed and the pain subsided as he sighed.

"…I can't believe this." He panted. "Two hundred years since we became space-faring species… and this never gets any easier."

Chakwas chuckled as she began preparing the materials for casting. "You'll need a cast for the next few days… try to lay off this 'habit' for a while, yes?"

"Yeah that's like telling a dog not to piss on the fire hydrant…" he mumbled. "I thought it wasn't broken, doc."

"It's not, but you'll need to restrict movement while it heals." Her tone was raised over the sound of rushing water. She turned off the faucet and carried a bucket to another table, then went looking for other materials. "So, will you tell me what really happened?"

He shook his head, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know, I dozed off at the bridge and then Shepard…" he hesitated, but he knew he could trust her. "She was going to see Alenko tonight and I… I just lost control." He looked down to his hand. "I know I shouldn't feel this way… she's the boss, and not only that, she's THE Commander Shepard, savior of the Citadel, but she's not just that either… she's a beautiful, free-spirited, strong woman who deserves better than that moron Alenko! …or a cripple who treats her like shit." He kicked himself mentally. "What have I done…?"

There was a long pause before Chakwas brought a tray with all of the prepared materials before him.

"And here I was, half-expecting another snide remark." She lifted his head by a finger under his chin.

He scoffed. "Well everyone knows it's not smart to piss off your doctor when she's casting your hand."

"That's true..." she carefully took his hand and put it on an empty space on the large tray, it didn't hurt him as much anymore so she was pleased. While deep in thought, she began wrapping his hand in the various layers the cast required. "Why don't you let her be a judge of what she deserves?"

"What do you mean?" His eyebrow lifted.

"Well, if you feel that strongly about her… I think you should tell her." She replied suggestively.

He laughed heartily before speaking. "No way man! She just went to see Kaidan! Kaidan the Alliance hero, Kaidan the eternal hunk, Kaidan the non-cripple!"

"Oh stop it! Self- pity doesn't suit you…" she looked at his bewildered face and rolled her eyes. "Just tell her."

If only it had been that easy… the word 'mistake' echoed in his mind. "It's not that easy doc..." He said, making her expression grow attentive. "I tried telling her this morning… but she blew me off. I guess that's part of the reason why I was so angry. I don't just feel like she doesn't see me, but it's like she doesn't want to."

"Trying is not the same as doing, Joker." She lowered her head and continued her work. "Ever since Kaidan, Shepard hasn't been the same… it's always 'duty first' with her lately. In that state, I guess down time can be a little… disconcerting. It's something new to her, frightening, maybe even intimidating…" she finished casting his hand from the wrist up. "There. Now give it a few minutes to dry." She stood up and took off her gloves as Joker's eyes followed her around the room. "But I have no doubt in my mind that she feels something for you." She finished with a knowing grin.

Being the skeptic he was, he had to ask… "do you know something I don't?"

"Oh, you know what they say about drunk people…"

…_they always tell the truth. _He looked away and said no more. Did she know? Had she seen them? Or was this something else entirely?

"_Normandy crew, this is XO Lawson. Leave is cancelled." _Miranda. Back to work.

"Thanks doc, gotta go!" He sprinted past her as fast as he could with a limp.

Chakwas watched him leave with a crooked smile on her face, remembering Shepard's toast and the glimmer in her eye when they were discussing Joker.

"_To the ornery bastard who flies this ship!" The drunk Shepard yelled happily, then giggled._


	11. Glutton for Punishment

**Disclaimer: Why do I bother? Really? LOL**

Everything felt as if put on hold… the Normandy had taken off about half an hour after the call was sent. Two confused dockworkers saw as the huge warship removed itself from the dock and took off in a graceful display of power. They were blinded by the thruster ignition, causing them to raise their arms to protect their eyes. When it was gone from view, they gave each other puzzled shrugs and then went to clean up the now abandoned area. They had left various valuable materials, including large armor plates that had not yet been mounted.

On the Normandy's bridge, Joker was operating his keyboard one-handed without much trouble. EDI had picked up the pace for what he lacked, but for complicated maneuvers, Joker would need full control. Hopefully, they wouldn't run into trouble until they got to Omega…

"Stupid, stupid… mother-!" He mumbled to himself. "You work with your hands you fuckin' moron!" A curse of strings followed.

His view unwillingly shifted to his hand and he gave it a thoughtful stare. This was what he got for letting his feelings get the best of him. Now, if they were attacked by any kind of enemy and he couldn't maneuver fast enough, it would be a repeat of the old Normandy and it would all be his fault… he would lose her again. Sighing to keep himself under control, he concentrated instead on the task at hand, plotting the relay jump. His arms and eyes felt heavy… he hadn't had a good night's sleep in days. Unfortunately, the trip from Ilium to Omega was short, having to jump only one relay, it offered only a few hours of rest before he had to go back to work. It didn't matter, he would take what he could get, if only to relax and rest his eyes. He pulled up a holographic display of the mass relay, entering coordinates into the targeting computer, and then waited for a response. The relay was already in range shortly after they left Ilium…

_Wonders of modern science_, he thought.

"Five minutes out from the Ilium relay, Commander." Joker said over the intercom.

"Alright Joker, thanks."

Her tone sounded distant. That usually meant something was on her mind… most likely the reason they were leaving. He had grown used to the Commander being by his side at times like these, it felt strange now that she wasn't… strange, because he wanted her to be there.

"Initiating transmission sequence. Please verify destination." EDI stated.

He tapped on a flashing panel awaiting response. "Destination verified… acquiring approach vector."

Using the results the targeting computer had given him, he switched to manual control, a holographic wheel appeared before him.

"All stations secure for transit. We'll be hitting the relay in 30 seconds." He spoke through the intercom once again.

As he has done many times before, he shifted the Normandy's angle to align with the relay with a soft turn of his wrist.

"Hitting the relay in 3, 2, 1…"

The familiar, light push of acceleration made her body slightly jerk sideways on her seat. Both her elbows were on top of her desk as her hands held up her head. Anxiety was the main feeling coursing through her body…

Liara, a powerful biotic asari, was in the hands of the most powerful human extremist organization in the galaxy. Shepard had seen firsthand what they were capable of… she had lived it. With Admiral Kahoku, with Toombs, the Collectors… her fingers ran through her hair, and she held her head by the sides, looking intently at the surface of the desk, suddenly hating the fact that it reflected her face. Scowling, she lifted her head only to find an unfinished textual mission briefing on her terminal. She reread what she had written so far and not satisfied with it, added a few words before deciding the final version had been written and sending it to her crew. Picking up a datapad next to her, she decided to study the schematics Miranda had forwarded of the main Cerberus office on Omega… home to one of the most dangerous men in the galaxy. It wasn't going to be easy to get there…

The facility was on the lowest level of the asteroid, which meant having to dock the Normandy and taking a small vehicle down to their destination. Usually, she wasn't worried about having to look out for herself on Omega, but this time, she knew they would be ready for her. The Illusive Man had to know it was only a matter of time before she figured it out… and who knew how many forces he could have amassed if he expected this precise moment, who knew what sort of battle awaited.

As if she could read her thoughts, Miranda waited for the elevator to rise up to the Commander's cabin with an uneasy frown. She had received Shepard's briefing a few minutes ago and the news were troubling, at least. At her arrival, she found the Commander studying the datapad thoroughly with furrowed brows.

"Shepard…"

She didn't lift her head from the pad, but responded with an acknowledging grunt.

"Commander, I'm concerned about this mission. With all due respect, you don't know what you're about to face." She blurted.

At this, Shepard chuckled, still not looking away from the datapad. "When do I ever, Miranda? When have we ever had a mission where we actually knew what we were doing?" Finally looking up at her, she put the datapad down. "When do I ever stop thinking about what's waiting in the next corner…?" Miranda looked away in thought as Shepard stood up and paced around the room. "Truth is, I can't. But that's never stopped me before…"

Miranda could see her anxiety, but also her raging determination. She wasn't going to let this go… if Cerberus wanted a fight, a fight they would get. This is what worried her.

"That's true, but even so… you do know they're goading us into a trap, right?" she warned.

"I know. But what do you suggest we do? Give up?" Shepard asked as she stopped pacing and leaned on her desk.

The raven snorted smugly and shook her head. "Never. I simply wanted to voice my concern for you, Commander. The Normandy and its crew is behind you one hundred percent, always."

"Well… thanks." Shepard said in a dismissive manner, but Miranda remained, looking at her. After a few seconds of awkward silence for Shepard, the commander decided to speak. "Was there anything else…?"

Miranda crossed her arms and lowered her head. "Can I ask you something personal, Shepard?"

She blinked, unsure of her response, and the unusual question. "Uh, sure…"

"Why did you go see Commander Alenko?" She lifted her head with a raised eyebrow and accusing eyes. Shepard's eyebrows furrowed in a questioning look and before she spoke, Miranda interrupted her. "I saw you leaving the ship."

"Oh." Was all she mustered as she looked away from Miranda's piercing eyes.

A long silence emerged. She had gone to see Kaidan with a clear purpose… she wanted to say goodbye. She wanted him to have closure, to be able to move on. Shepard rotated the chair next to her and sat, still saying nothing. She wasn't intimidated by Miranda, she was intimidated by the question…

"I wanted to say goodbye, tell him I moved on… tell him to move on. I guess I just wanted to let him know that I didn't miss him anymore." She shrugged. "Hell I think I wanted to let myself know that." Suddenly, she looked up at Miranda. "You know, all this time, I was blaming you and Cerberus for what happened between me and Kaidan. I never, for once actually stopped to think… that maybe it was bound to happen… even if I hadn't died, even if the Alliance hadn't abandoned us…" her head shook lamentably. "I didn't think that he would leave me… I misjudged him, and you. I'm sorry."

The usually cold, calculating woman's face softened. The revelation had caught her off guard. At a loss for words, Miranda searched her head for what she could possibly say.

Settling, she finally conceded. "Apology accepted." She hesitated before speaking again. "But, you were right. If you hadn't been with Cerberus, it wouldn't have happened."

Shepard shrugged. "Whether or not I was, it shouldn't have made a difference. It was me, he knows me, better than anybody. I mean, Garrus, Tali, they saw through it… even Joker jumped at the chance… figuratively."

_For all I know, he was probably climbing the walls_, she thought with a smirk at the image.

Miranda caught it immediately and hid a knowing smirk. Everything seemed to fit now. Their comfort around each other, their trust, and their invisible bond that was as visible to Miranda as light of day. Vera Shepard had so obviously fallen for her helmsman… but she didn't see it. Maybe all she needed was a nudge in the right direction, but how could she approach the subject…? She wasn't used to talking people up, but she decided that this moment required it, for both their sakes.

"Speaking of Joker, word around the ship says you two have some sort of… thing." She lied, grimacing inwardly at her lame attempt.

The commander's eyes opened widely in surprise and suspicion. "Who told you that!"

Miranda's eyebrows arched. _Unbelievable! Not only had it worked, but she actually admitted it! _"You just did…" she smiled as Shepard scowled. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, Commander. It's just so obvious that you feel for one another…"

Shepard rolled her eyes and laid her head back on the chair. "Don't get me started on that, please." her voice was muffled as she brought her hands up to her face.

"Alright. I'll take my leave then." She said, turning to leave. Shepard obviously wasn't in the mood.

_Am I wearing a sign? Does it say 'glutton for punishment'? First Kaidan, now Miranda._

She sighed and let her hands fall to her sides, then straightened up to look at Miranda as she opened the door. "You know even Kaidan seems to think that I'm love with him? He said Joker was lucky to have me, can you believe that?"

Miranda paused and chuckled. She'd never said the word 'love'.

"What's so funny?" Shepard asked.

"The irony of you denying it when you clearly said it yourself Shepard, Alenko knows you better than anybody. Who's to say he doesn't know you better than yourself…?"

The sly, blue eyed woman took Shepard's silence as a cue for her leave. _My work here is done._

"Wait!" Shepard exclaimed. Miranda paused and jerked her body back, making her head pop back in the door frame. "So… his hand injury?"

"I told you, he was upset."

"Why?"

"Because it **was** his business." She winked and the door closed.

Vera sat in silence as she heard Miranda leave. Her words echoed in her mind. What if it was true? What if she was in love? She was a practical woman. She believed there was always a cause and effect to everything. What if the cause of all her doubt, all her speculation, all her anger… was that she was in love with her best friend? It would explain why she suddenly wanted him to want her, why she couldn't forget the night before and why she was so angry when he easily did. _Wait, all of this in one day!_ It couldn't have possibly been true…

_But what if it wasn't in a day…?_

All those times she went to him, looking for his approval, looking for his opinion, talking about the past, sometimes in vain… No, it wasn't all in a day. Every time she went to that bridge… every single time, she was just wanting for his attention. That's why it had been so easy to let go of Kaidan… why the memories stopped haunting her after that night with him in the cargo bay. The night before had been nothing but a trigger…

And now she'd thrown it all away this morning…

"I'm so stupid!" She whispered to herself, standing up and exiting the room.

They had already passed the relay, but there were still a few transit hours in between from the relay to Omega. The asteroid was just so damn small. But there was still time, she would go see Joker and apologize. Apologize for not telling him the truth, for assuming how he felt, for acting on assumptions… for breaking his heart. It was no wonder he'd been so sour. When she saw the bridge had been empty, she went down to the crew deck. She saw Gardner at his station and a few others in the mess hall, but went directly to the med bay, where Dr. Chakwas looked up from her datapad at her arrival.

"Commander?"

"Hi doctor. Do you know where Joker is, by any chance?" Her tone sounded calm, but urgent.

"He went to get some sleep not long ago… came down here for coffee after the mission briefing and I told him to go rest instead. He looked awful." Chakwas replied.

Maybe there was still time…

"Alright, thanks doctor." She stormed out of the room, headed for the crew quarters.

The door opened as she arrived, letting a little light into the room. It took her eyes a few seconds to adjust, but she could hear a light snoring sound from her right. He laid on his back, with two pillows holding up his head and his hat angled over his face. The snoring indicated he was already in deep sleep. As she looked over him, she felt her anxiety fade and a wave of relief wash over her. He looked blissfully asleep as the sight provoked a smile. _Must have been really tired…_ Her eyes explored from the comfortable expression on his face to the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, landing finally on his stomach, where he laid his maimed hand. She frowned… his pain was her fault. After a few seconds of meditation, she turned and left the room with fierce determination in her eyes and fisted fingers.

_I promise that when all this is over… I'll make it right. _


End file.
